Loving and being in love. They are so different from each other and they are so much alike. I thought I had been only loving for so many years. I thought that it was just the same as the rest of the crew. Just something more. A little attraction, nothing else. But when she said it? she said the words? It broke my heart. It broke into a million peaces and I was left to mend them. I gave up on him. denied him everything he would want and what I had wanted.
One night... I wanted one night... one night to mend. To mend everything that had been broken. Oh, I am talking in riddles again. I had the night. But it didn’t mend my heart. We didn’t got home and I couldn’t got him. I died... inside. No more. Please let it stop. I don’t want this pain. I don’t want this pain.
It was suppose to be a fun. 20 children of Voyager being on a planet. To relax. Three woman to supervise them. It turned out to be hell. After 14 years... I lost everything... where are you. Come back to me! Please! Please come back...
***
“Kathryn... it’s time for dinner”
wiping the tears away from the paper Kathryn Janeway stood up from her seat. She looked out to the meddow. They had cut the grass and put up disturbers for any lifeforms on this planet. Slowly she made her way out of the tent. Into the big group of children. She sat down on the grass on the long blanket and looked at all the children.
A year. The youngest of the children had been 3 months when they came here. To young to be left alone and Kathryn had cared for them... but the youngest of the children now were 4 and 6 months.
Kathryn Janeway. Her name didn’t had any power. No longer was she the great Captain of Voyager. Voyager... They had left after a big fight. A fight that had drove them away not able to return. they had left behind there Captain because she had given the order. They had left behind there children. Some of them just old enough to recognize them. Others not even a year old. It had been so hard. So hard...
“eat children. There is enough” she said gently and they ate. Feeling a hand on her arm Kathryn looked at her right. the half Klingon smiled. She held her own little boy. “are you alright Kathryn?” she asked and knew deep inside that her beloved Captain wasn’t. “I’m fine” was she standard answer. “how is Bobby?” “
he is hungry. Shouldn’t you feed Hope?”
“yes, I will get her. How is Samantha?”
“still sick. I don’t understand Kath. She won’t get any better. We have to do something about it”.
Kathryn looked down at her feet and sighed. “I know”. ‘But I don’t know what’ she thought behind it. Looking up at the blue sky didn’t make her feel better. Why had it happened? What had driven them away. She wondered always. What had been so powerful that it would drive away Voyager. Her almighty ship, with it’s most powerful crew. Leaving her behind.
She remembered the day that they had been left so clearly. It was also because she had been in a fight with Chakotay. It hurt. It still hurt to think about him. but she thought about him so much that the pain had lessened by now. Standing she lifted a baby from a wooden crib. Hope smiled up at her mother with sky blue eyes as she raised her hands. Dark skin. Beautiful dark skin and hair. Like her father. With the eyes of her mother. While feeding her Kathryn was taken back to that day...
***
“Kathryn! I can’t believe you would go down with all the children just to down in the fresh air! They are children! And you are not a mother!”
She stood quickly and glared at him with the ugliest death glare she had used in months. How did he dare to say that. how could he look her in the eye and say such things. She wasn’t a mother indeed but he was cruel to say it. “I can’t just abandon these Children! I want them to know me Chakotay! Especially because I will not have my own!
Chakotay slammed his hand down on the table. “Most of those children need a mother!”
“We don’t know what happen while you are gone! We could be attacked again! I would feel much better if those children would be on the ship, rather than somewhere on an alian planet”. It was very clear how he thought about it. Why did she had to be so stubborn.
Chakotay sighed and looked at her. If she wasn’t going to change her oppinion he would send someone with her. “take Seven with you” he stated but it seemed that Kathryn would not go for that. her eyes turned into fire and she threw her cup of coffee on the ground.
“You just want Seven there on the ground! Not me! You just want your wife on the ground!”
“Of course I want that! Damn it Kathryn, she is 7 months pregnant! And you are the captain of this ship!”
“there are more people on this ship who are pregnant Commander. You are not sending them down either! I AM going down there with the children. You will not make them stay here if they don’t want that. 20 children want to come with me. Not all the 40! And about your wife! Is needed here. She can’t go down at all. Seven stayes on the ship. End of the line! Those children need a holiday”.
Chakotay advanced at her and felt Kathryn shiffer. “Captain. You are being a selfish bitch”.
Looking into his eyes Kathryn felt as someone had slapped her. She turned to the window and looked at the planet. They had found the perfect spot. Even when they knew that the planet was being lived on. She sighed and tried to control her tears. Why was she so emotional. She had been for the last month. ” I will take the children. But only with Samantha Wildman and Belanna Torres” she said.
“OH! Belanna Torres can be missed?” Chakotay yelled angry at her. “YES! She Can! Your wife is so perfect in everything. Let her handle the bumbs. She always wanted that. besides! Belanna is not in Engenering! You know that as well as I do. She is recovering from her wounds and I am taking her on a holiday!”
“you just hate your charge” Chakotay said softly and now it was Kathryn’s turn to advance him. “the moment she married you she wasn’t my charge anymore Chakotay. And the moment you threw me out of your room after fucking my brains out whole night because you had a fight you lost my respect!”
“You Came to ME god damnit!” he said and she slapped him. “I am going down. Now get out of my read room”.
They had been like this for months now. Ever since he had thrown her out of his quarters.
A year ago he had married Seven of Nine. After a few years of dating he had finely married her. She had performed like a very good Captain and married them. The warnings Admiral Janeway had given her had come true. She had lost him to her charge. Seven had build a dislike of Kathryn ever since they began dating openly.
That night. three months ago Chakotay had come to Kathryn who had been taken a shower at that time and stormed into the bathroom. “SHE IS UNBELIEVE...” stopping in the midcentence he had stared at her in disbelieve. She had been shocked to find him there as she stood naked. Snatching a bathrobe she saw him leave before anything else was said.
When Kathryn went to him a half hour later. Chakotay was sitting on the chouch crying. They had talked and finely he had appoligized for walking into her like that. blushing she had accepted it and before she knew it he was kissing her. A married man... the married man she loved was kissing her and it had let to the next. But the next morning he went all crazy with her. Ever since they had hated each other.
When Kathryn, Sam and Lanna had beamed down with the children they were helped by the other mothers and some dads to set up a camp. Parents said goodbye to there children. Naomi was so excited to be on a planet with her Captain that she and a few of her friends were helping proudly. She was thirteen at the time and most of the other children were 3 months to 10 years. but she went along with everyone.
Chakotay had given her a dirty look and she had regretted deeply fighting him so had given him a rose. “sorry” she said and turned around to be with the children. She didn’t see the look of sorrow on his face.
It hadn’t been for another three hours when suddenly the now dark sky burst open with light. Kathryn and Belanna had looked up and knew that something was wrong. Terribly wrong. When finely Chakotay had contacted her it was an hour later. “Captain! They are coming back. Transporters are offline. We already have casaulties. Voyager won’t survive if we stay but you are still down there. What do we have to do?!”
She didn’t even know what was coming back. But what could sge chose? The decision came to her and she looked at Belanna and Samantha. There was only one thing they could do. But it wasn’t easy to give the order. “go away Commander... and don’t look back. We will try and get a hang on a starship. GO! That’s an order! GO!”
“Kathryn! We can’t leave you behind! And the children!”
“GO!”
“no!”
“you’ll get yourselfs killed. Whatever it is. I ordered you to go and take the ship with you Captain. Now follow my last commend”
there had been a silence before she had gotten her answer. “Tom set a course. Goodbye captain... I love you”. It had been a whisper. A small but heareble whisper and Kathryn had closed her eyes as tears were threatening to spill over. “go Chakotay. I love you too”.
***
Hope cried and Kathryn gently rocked her as she smiled down. Remembering hurt but she had been wrong in saying to Chakotay she would never have children herself. She had a child now and it was wonderful to be a mother. To have a baby and to give birth. It had hurt as hell but she had enjoyed every minute of it. when she discovered she was pregnant she had been first shocked, than angry and in the end totally happy.
The most loving about it was that she had a piece of her love right here with her. She didn’t knew anything about Voyager or if Chakotay was happy with Seven and there baby. But she had Hope and her name spoke about everything Kathryn felt as she watched her. Hope.
She carried Hope to one of the tents. Naomi came to her. “she is having another cough attack again” she said and took Hope from Kathryn. “auntie Kathryn?” she asked and Kathryn turned around. “yes sweetheart” she asked and looking into the frightened eyes of the 14 year old girl. “will she be alright?”
“of course sweetie. Don’t worry” Kathryn said with a reasuring smile. Naomi walked to the playground with Hope and sat down next to Belanna while Kathryn went inside the tent. “ho! Easy Samantha. Easy, take slow deep breaths. That’s it Sam”. Kathryn sat on the bed and wiped with a cold wet cloth over Sams face.
The coughing stopped inventualy and Sam sat up with a little help of her former captain. “I am going worse” she said and looked at her friend. “nonsense. You are doing fine. We will get you better in no time. Don’t worry” Kathryn said but she knew her eyes betrayed her. Sam took her hand and squeezed it. “how is Hope?” she asked and smiled as Kathryn began to tell about her daughter. It was nice to hear about the smaller children.
When Kathryn left Samantha to rest she walked down to see how the children were doing. She watched Belanna hold her daughter as they run up the hill. Bobby lay on the ground playing with a toy made by them and Naomi watched the children up to two years old. She had such a wonderful abbility to do 7 things at the same time...
It was becoming evening and Kathryn got The List out of her dress. It was a PADD with all the names of the children who were on the planet. At least non of them had died. She wouldn’t knew how to cope with that right now. She walked over to Naomi. “help me get these 9 in bed?” she asked and Naomi nodded happily.
They went down The List of the youngest children:
Hope Janeway – 3 months
Bobby Paris/Torres – 6 months
Shanich Ayala – 1 year, 3 months
Paul Delany – 1 year, 7 months
Cole Murphy – 2 year, 9 months
Micheal Kim – 2 year, 10 months
Sarah Dalby – 3 year
Denise Porter – 3 year, 2 months
Dennis Bristow – 4 year, 5 months
There had been more but there parents hadn’t given permission to go down to the planet. Maybe that had been better Kathryn often thought. They wouldn’t be stuck here with a foolish Captain. They would be with there moms and dads. Why had she been so stupid?
Naomi and she brought the children to two different tents. Hope and Bobby to yet another because they slept with there mothers. There were 4 big tents, 1 very huge one and 3 small ones. 1 for a kitchen and foodsuplie storage and 2 as sleepplaces. One of them was for Sam, Naomi and Damian. Belanna and Kathryn shared the other with there children.
The huge one was for when it rained and than you had 2 tents for girls and 3 for boys. Both seperated from age. Above 5 lay in another tent.
When the littleones lay in there bed Kathryn went to make some coffee. They had one replicator. Which had been a saving haven for Kathryn because she could get everything she needed from it. when she had been pregnant with Hope she had only wanted to eat chilli and now she could drink her so much missed coffee again.
It turned darker and she saw that Belanna and Naomi were busy getting the children closer to the camp. Kathryn started a fire and places the cushions around it and waited as she made hot chocolate. One by one the children sat down and waited for there drinks. Auntie Kathryn always told a story before they had to go to bed and they already knew which one they wanted to hear tonight.
13 children filled the places around the firehole and Kathryn went around them to take there names into The List to make sure they had everyone.
Laurah Henly – 5 year, 11 months
Grace Kim – 6 year, 1 months
Antonio Jackson – 6 year, 4 months
Miral Paris/Torres – 6 year, 11 month
Fred Dalby – 7 year, 2 months
Damian Wildman/Carey – 7 year, 6 months
Kira Delany – 7 year, 10 months
Kara Delany – 7 year, 10 months
Joshua Yosa – 8 year
Harren Tabor – 8 year, 7 months
Eleanor Kaplan – 9 year, 5 months
Nickless Hickman – 10 year
Naomi Wildman – 14 year, 3 months
Everyone was present. Kathryn let a releaved sigh go and sat down. Naomi went to her tent and stayed before it so she could keep an eye on her mother. She had to much responsebillity but Kathryn would not know what to do without her.
“alright. You all have your drink” Belanna said. “and now it’s time to hear a story. What would you like to hear?”
she was gentle and sweet. Like always. She was the perfect mother. And she was a better cook Kathryn could ever be. Kathryn watched the children and listened to some of there mumbling answers when Eleanor stood. “the Warrior Story” she said and Kathryn felt her breath stop for a moment. She had told the children it once. On the night she had gone into labour and she had never finished telling them...
Belanna watched her friends reaction and sat down. “you alright with that?” she asked and slowly nodded. After that she relaxed and smiled at the children. “I never finished it did I?” she asked and they shook there heads. “well maybe it is time I did”.
She took a few sips of her coffee and leaned to Belanna. “you can go. And please bring some good news” she whispered and Belanna nodded, stood and left. 3 nights a week. Belanna went to the city to try to get them a ship. 2 nights of the week Kathryn went and a few months ago the other days Sam would but she was too sick.
“once there was an Angry Worrier” Kathryn slowly began and the children went quiet. She smiled and continued. Hoping that somewhere in this big quadrent, maybe her Angry Warrior would think of her... that maybe he had ment those words he had whispered to her the day he left her behind. Maybe Chakotay thought of her right now...