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A/N: This story is based off a prompt of one of my tumblr friends. She asked: What happened in the Admiral's timeline, just what about Seven's death caused problems for Chakotay and Janeway. Her idea was that an affair occurred and she wanted to know how that would have worked out. This is what came from that.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Summary: Just what happened in the Admiral's timeline? What drove her and Chakotay apart?

Warnings: Lots of smut. Character death at the end (but you all already know Seven dies in the Admiral time line) and a lot of pain.

Month One

"We shouldn't be doing this," Chakotay mumbled into her ear, barely managing to get the words out.

"Want me to stop?" She murmured

"Spirits, don't even think about it," she chuckled slightly, her hands pulling out from his trousers despite his growl of protest. "Patience," She chided hooking a finger just above the clasp of the fabric and walking backwards. His smile was one that made her chuckle, it looked almost predatory, as she gently pulled him back with her. Glancing back at him, and seeing that heated look in his eyes, was all she needed. She quickly worked the trousers open and pushed them down. Spinning, she grinned as his arms gripped her in surprise, she pushed him backwards into the chair. "Demanding tonight?"

"Well," she smirked hitching up the hem of her dress and climbing onto his lap, "you tell me." Chakotay let out a chuckle as his hands gripped her thighs, pushing up to find her completely bare. His brow rose and she shrugged, leaning forward. "I didn't exactly expect you to try to kiss me good night."

"Hadn't been my plan but you looked too adorable."

"Is she waiting?" Kathryn asked, his hands still on her thighs.

"Seven?" His eyes narrowed at the question and she shrugged again, back arching as his fingers began to explore. Biting her lip she worked to keep the moan threatening to emerge back. "You really want to ask about my wife right now Kathryn?"

"You're the one who kissed me, mister, don't play the high and mighty card now."

"You're the one who invited me to dinner."

"As a friend, not a lover."

"We're lovers now?"

"What do you think?" She growled, leaning forward to press her lips to his. With that, they stopped talking. Hands worked to remove the remaining clothing. Nails scratched at skin, hands clung to one another. Neither ever imagined their first time to be an act of adultery, something frantic and quick. Preceded by words outlining just how wrong what they were doing was. Not that either was really thinking about that at the moment. One, or both, were too busy cursing as that first penetration happened unexpectedly.

"You good?" His voice was strained and she barely managed to nod, her nails digging painfully into his shoulders. "Shit, you really have been celibate."

"Thought I was lying when I said I haven't been with anyone," She managed to choke out, anger momentarily replacing pleasure. He just smirked, rolling his hips against hers, her body arching once more and he watched, enjoying, his hands gently holding her hips. "You or me?"

"You, love, control it this time." Her chin dropped forward, blue meeting brown. Her heart broke at the endearment, the love in those words. All thoughts of a quick fuck left her, this was Chakotay. This was her angry warrior, married or not he would always dwell within her heart. She swallowed, one hand sliding from his shoulder, up his neck, to cup his face. Silence permeated the air for a moment, neither moving nor speaking. "Take what you need, Kathryn."

"I can't," she whispered leaning to rest her forehead on his, gently rising her hips up before lowering back down again on him. His hands stroked her, one going up her back the other between them. Her hands moved to the back of his head, body arching as she moved her hips above him, holding him against her chest. Sensation took over; she gave herself over to the way his hands felt as they explored her, the way he felt inside her, the way his lips felt as they pressed into her breasts, the way his hair felt between her fingers. Closing her eyes she gave in, let all of it over take her and worked them both until her cry came, his following not that much later. Sated, too tired to climb off his lap she simple let him cradle her to his chest. At some point, when the moment had passed, she looked at him and whispered, "youYou should go now."

"She's regenerating," was all he said and she nodded, understanding. Words weren't needed. Chakotay stroked her back, and lightly pressed his lips to the top of her head. He closed his eyes and enjoyed holding her, doubting it would ever happen again. He was married, to a woman half his age who he didn't even really love. She was the ship's Captain and her parameters and barriers were still raised, no matter what just happened. Tonight was a simple dinner to handle ships business, casual attire rather than uniforms, which had simply taken an unexpected turn.

His arms tightened around her, the urge to apologize, to beg forgiveness held firmly at bay. Who was at fault really? She may have pushed him away for years but he had walked away, gone to another, and then asked her to officiate the wedding. He asked her to give him one reason why he shouldn't be happy. Only he wasn't. Not with Seven. Content, yes, but not happy. No, that blissful happiness that could make him care less if the ship was falling apart around him was sitting in his lap- straddling more like it- and now was sleeping in his arms. Kathryn would not have regulated their marriage, had they been together. She would not claim that copulation is unnecessary until the appropriate time to begin the introduction of sub units into the family.

He shivered, recalling all the ways his wife was still very much Borg. Truly, Seven was beautiful and intelligent but at times one could forget she wasn't exactly the usual human. She had had no childhood, often frowning when he brought up his youth, and yet he could always see a wistfulness, a longing within her eyes. He didn't love her, not the way he did Kathryn, but there was something in him close enough to love that he was content. Could be content, even if his wife insisted moving her regeneration chamber into their quarters would disturb his sleep. Closing his eyes, he sighed, letting the exhaustion and recent activities pull him under.

When Kathryn awoke to her morning alarm she sighed, something was pressing against her and she shifted. A moan jerked her eyes open and she gasped. Her dream replayed itself and she cursed. She had sex with a married man. Albeit, a very sexy married man, and the man her heart belonged to, but still. Chakotay was a man of principal and she had her morals. As carefully as possible she extracted herself, hurried out to the washroom, jumped into the sonic shower. It didn't take her long to get cleaned and dressed. A quick comb through the hair and a light coating of makeup and she was standing in the living room, arms crossed, glaring at the man sitting, asleep, in one of her arm chairs.

You stuck him there, Kathryn, so don't get all high and mighty now. She smiled, recalling telling him the same last night. Moving to the opposite armchair, grabbing the throw pillow, she smirked. A swift flick of her wrist and it landed squarely in his gut. All she got was a groan. Rolling her eyes, she turned and headed for the replicator, getting her morning dose of coffee. Cradling it between her hands she moved to the coffee table and sat before him, relieved the pillow at least landed in a strategically good place. She studied him for a moment, taking in his frame, the muscles, the skin stretched tight, yet slackened in sleep. With a sigh, she shut her eyes, lifted the cup to her face and inhaled, a far more pleased sigh leaving as she enjoyed the aroma before sipping.

"I love that look." Chakotay's voice startled her, and she nearly dropped the cup as her eyes snapped open. A hand jerked forward from the arms of the chair to cover the cup, keeping it steady in. "Sorry." He smirked as he spoke to her.

"You … we have only an hour until shift starts, my replicator and shower are free to use." His eyes studied her face and she saw the understanding, the shared knowledge. This couldn't happen again. Gently patting his hand she rose to her feet. "I'm sure we can share a morning meal together."


"Always," She replied offering a smile over her shoulder as she moved to the table. Chuckling as he held the pillow in place while rising. "It's not like I haven't seen it, Chakotay."

"Take a peek this morning? Last I recall, we were more touch then sight last night."

Turning her eyes away from him she prayed he didn't notice her blush. She thought carefully about her words, "besides, if we are to not let it happen again I think … decorum should be maintained."


Month Two

Surprisingly, they had been able to jump back into the light comradery of their friendship with ease. They shared breakfast after his shower like it was a normal thing for him to wake up naked in her quarters. Lunch in the mess hall was the same, professional with the occasional personal teasing thrown in. Seven invited her to dinner that day. Nothing changed, things were the same. Meals were shared, work was shared, advice given and sought. That was until today, not that she was complaining really. It was rather nice being pulled from her chair, shoved against the wall, and … well the rest was rather missed in the thrill of it all.

Somehow, he had managed to get her uniform pants off and her tunic opened. Her turtleneck and tank were shoved up over her breasts and that mouth of his was as busy as other parts of him. It was rough, and over far too quickly for her to have been properly prepared, but that was remedied after he paused, briefly, to work her up, despite the intrusion into her body. The fact he hadn't really given her time to protest had been mentioned, once, and then pleasure took over. He teasingly asked if he should stop, her answer was simple … "do and it's the brig." After that had been the same line, about how this was wrong, but it didn't seem to stop them.

Right now all that mattered was her First Officer had apparently decided to change their afternoon conference in her ready room into something far more pleasurable. Pure fucking, that's what her sister would call it. A strangled groaned left her as he slammed hard into her, she barely made out something about staying present. Or was that, don't leave me, she wasn't quite sure but part of that message was clear. He was exquisite, god forbid she had done this earlier in their journey. She never would have let him out of her sight. Digging her nails into his shoulder, growling at the offending Starfleet uniform still present, she lowered her face.

"Too l-loud," She choked out the warning, hoping he would understand what she was trying to say and relieved as he reached up, grabbing her head to encourage her to use him as a shield. Fingers returning to dig into her rear, or thighs, or both they seemed to keep moving as he adjusted grips repeatedly. It was rough and good and as that point came she clamped onto the curve of his neck, simultaneous crying out and biting into him as her orgasm rippled through her body. When she eased up, her mind no longer lost to the world of pleasure, she realized he was motionless inside her and still just as hard. The urge to demand he explain himself, struck and she pushed it down. Gathering her breath, she leaned her head back, shifted slightly so she could get a look at his face. "Do I get an explanation now?"

Chakotay didn't answer. Eyes still shut, fingers digging into the curve of her hip, pinning her with his lower body. His face was tense, jaw tightly clamped shut, and she felt a brief flash of pity for his predicament. Once more cheating on his wife, and this time it wasn't as if they could say "sorry kiss gone wrong" or anything else as an excuse. Not that they tried, but she knew they both had struggled over the last month to rationalize it despite how easily they bounced back. This, this was different. He had pulled her from her chair and gone at it, completely and, obviously, intently focused on one thing. Mutual release. Until now, when he still was motionless. Easing her hand off his shoulder, moving to his face she lightly patted his cheek.

"Hey, either finish or pull out." That got his eyes open, a mischievous twinkle to his eyes. "Well, it's a little late now for second guessing don't you think. Finish and we just don't do this again, okay."

"Deal, just stop making that face when you're drinking your damn coffee," she didn't get to answer. He was once more pounding into her and honestly any answer she had about her coffee drinking vanished. Not that his lips would let her say anything considering they were claiming hers. She wondered if he was trying to absorb her or something, pull her into his body and never let go. With how much he seemed to be trying to devour and claim her it damn well felt like it. Something happened, besides her way of drinking coffee, but she wasn't about to ask. This would be the last time. It had to be.

Month Three

"This," Kathryn groaned arching up off her bed eyes wide as his fingers moved between her legs. "Shit."

"Shut up," Chakotay growled and she moaned at the sensation those words provoked. His lips returned immediately to their work. She complied with his command, and gave into what he was doing to her. His tongue was moving, curling, twisting, flicking, licking, so many different things within her, around her, over her, she wasn't sure how he could find all the right places, but damned if she cared. It was exquisite torture, a torture she had no intention of calling off. It had only been two weeks since the ready room, six weeks from the last time they had a dinner end like this.

Chakotay nipped her and she hissed, lightly hitting his shoulder. She could feel his lips curving against her thigh, lightly pressing a kiss before his eyes moved to lock with hers. Imp. That's what he looked like at the moment. A mischievous little imp, although little was probably not the best term for him. The man was nearly twice her size but that look in his eyes was definitely the look of someone planning something. Not that she would complain, his plans tended to turn out very well for her, if not a little illegal for Starfleet officers, not that she could exactly go report both of them for Tuvok. That would be interesting though.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Reporting us to Tuvok for committing adultery." She watched his eyes darken, the anger taking over. "Come, now, Commander. We are the command team. We are meant to set an … oh gods."

"You were saying?" He smirked pressing his palm flat against her stomach, flicking her clitoris with his thumb, wiggling the finger now shoved inside her and enjoying the way her body responded to him completely. "Captain?"

"W-what?" She blinked, the conversation from just a second ago returning seconds before her glare narrowed. "That's playing dirty."

"You want playing dirty, Kathryn." A moan left her as he slide another finger inside moving both for just a few seconds before pausing, pushing as deep into her as he could get. "Fine, what are we doing?"

"I … you want to discuss the fact we have engaged twice, three times now, in sex even though you are married now!"

"This always seems to be when we normally bring it up." She had to give him that but still, her body was highly protesting the constant teasing he was now employing. "I want to know what this is, Kathryn. Why now and not before?"

"You kissed me. Then pinned me to a wall. And if I recall this time …"

"This time you were the one to grab me and pull me into a kiss," He spoke and she stiffened. "Don't," He whispered, lightly kissing the inside of her thigh again. "Relax, love -"

"Don't call me that," she growled twisting her hips, managing to get them flipped over so he was on his back. Before he could say a thing she slid down his body and wrapped her mouth around his erection. The strangled cry told her he was distracted enough now to forget the conversation. Fingers dug into her hair and she hummed against him eliciting a buck of his hips. Her nails dug into his hips in warning and his hands loosened slightly. Working him, rising and lowering, suctioning and releasing, licking and sucking. Stroking with her hands, she used every little thing she knew to bring him to the brink before rising up and moving him into position, sliding down on top of him.

"Spirits," Chakotay gripped her hips and as one they found a rhythm. Grinding against each other, thrusting in tandem as they worked each other. Arching back she gripped his thighs, slamming herself down on him until she let out a strangled cry his grip never loosening on her as he continued to thrust. Slumping forward she sighed, contently against his chest, licking and kissing, playing with his nipple as he continued to thrust, each thrust now slower and steadier into her. "I could do this forever."

"Chakotay," She warned softly and he chuckled, rolling them, wrapping his arms around her, cupping her face in his hands as he continued the easier pace he had found. "You and your control."

"You love control," He whispered lightly pressing his lips to hers. "Now, I asked a question -"

"Go back down that road and I will have you beamed out of here without letting your finish," he chuckled, lightly kissing her again before increasing his pace. She moaned at the sudden shift but smiled nonetheless. He enjoyed watching her as he brought her back up to the brink again, reaching down between them to help her along those final few paces before they both let out cries of release, his body collapsing on top of hers. She didn't complain, wrapping her arms around him, legs entangling with his as he slumped. Once in more control of his body he turned them onto their sides. "Where is she?"

"Astrometrics," He answered, she nodded, and closed her eyes. "I rerouted my comm signal to my quarters. If anyone asks I'm there." She stiffened momentarily and sighed. "I know."

"We can't stop can we?" He did not answer; her hands tightened their grip around him. "Wake me if you have to leave."

"Of course, sleep, Kathryn. I'm not leaving just yet."

Month Four

One week. It took one week this time. Then four days, then two, then one. Now she was here, in his quarters, on her knees, giving him a thorough demonstration of just how far she could bring him with her mouth. He stroked her hair, lovingly, gently, encouragingly. Not gripping her, not holding her in place, simply watching and enjoying, while thanking every deity known to man that she had decided to do it while he was still sitting at the dining table. Not that he should have been surprised when she dropped out of her seat and was suddenly between his legs. Still, the meal had been nothing but professional until that moment.

They never spoke about it, not really, not anymore. After the fourth time, once more admitting they couldn't stop, they seemed to have a silent agreement. Explanations for actions would be given if, and only if, the other asked. She did, especially when he just barged in and was suddenly on her. He however opted not to ask when she initiated the evenings. During the dinners, they stayed together when they "slipped" as they began to call it. He'd sleep with her in his arms fully aware that his wife was off somewhere on the ship oblivious to his actions. In the middle of the day, it would be simple, returning to work as if nothing happened.

The ironic part about all of it was no one had caught on. For years, they dealt with the rumors when nothing was happening, but now when something was the crew only whispered about his "strange" marriage to Seven. Admittedly, it was strange. He didn't share quarters with his wife, her clothes weren't even present. They were still in sickbay where she would go for her usual sonic shower and change of attire at the "appropriate" time within her schedule. That was his life now, a schedule. Breakfast with the Captain, report for duty, lunch with either the Captain or some other member of the crew, back to duty, and dinner. Dinner was either with Seven, the Captain, or both. And at some point during the day he would find himself engaged in intimate activities with the Captain.

Admittedly it was rather fun and surprising. Kathryn had gone and done a complete flip on him. The uptight, can't do anything Captain to the … well he could say the "yes, please, now" Kathryn that had been hidden underneath. New Earth (not that they mentioned that planet) was the only time he ever saw that side emerge. Unless you counted all her demands for coffee, but it wasn't the same. Not the same as sitting in the middle of a briefing and finding her fingers gripping his thigh, stroking, teasing, while still performing at her highest level before the senior officers. Not the same as finding himself between her legs, eating her out in her ready room, while they waited for the rest of the senior officers to arrive.

Then again the "thrill" of being caught while present was pointless. They seemed to think alike. Giving ample time for them to finish anything before anyone would arrive and even setting up various alerts and covers. In just under an hour her comm badge would be picked up as being in her quarters if she didn't leave his quarters. Just like his did the same at a certain time. During work hours it was easier to just let the computers register them as being wherever they were. Not that hard to pull off a "discussing the ship" excuse then, but still they made sure they had proximity alerts set up. Being the highest ranking officers on board did come in handy sometimes.

He smiled as Kathryn moved up to sit in his lap. Her eyes telling him she knew his mind had run through everything once more, and hers probably had too. It was part of having an affair. Especially when you both did not want to hurt the party being cheated on. Caution was key on board Voyager. Then again, considering the rumor mill had chalked them up to nothing more than professionals, not even friends these days, he doubted anyone would be believed if they claimed to have caught them. Rubbing her back he lightly kissed her head and sighed.

"That was great."

"I'm sure it was," She teased lightly kissing his neck. "Now, are you going to return the favor or is it cuddle time?"

"Cuddle time. Favor returning in a little bit," wrapping his arms around her he chuckled as she settled in. Kathryn might be pretty confidant at times but he was finding she could be dependent and self conscious at times as well. It was actually rather nice, to go from her having no qualms about telling him to drop his pants in the middle of her ready room, to barely whispering what she'd like him to do in the confines of her quarters. He liked it; then again he tended to be the same way when it came to certain things.

"Tuvok's getting worse."

"I'm sorry." She nodded against his chest. He had a solution. "Want me to distract you?"

"Yes, please."

Month Five

"Captain," Seven spoke shifting uncomfortably for a moment in the middle of the ready room. Looking up from the astrometrics report Kathryn frowned at the still present woman. "I … request a moment of your time."

"Of course, Seven," rising to her feet she put the report down. She grabbed her empty mug and motioned to the couch. "Would you like a drink?"

"I do not require liquids at this time," Seven paused in her steps beside the coffee table. "However, I believe it would be … helpful."

"That removed fail safe is really doing wonders, Seven. What would you like?"

"Water should be sufficient."

"One glass water, one cup herbal blend one." Grabbing the cup and mug of tea once they appeared Kathryn moved to the couch, momentarily surprised that the woman was actually sitting down, and offered her the water. "Now, I'm assuming this is not work related."

"No, I require … you have …"

"Seven, you can talk to me about anything."

"Chakotay desires children," Kathryn's mug of tea froze half way to her lips. Seven hadn't looked at her yet, she'd seen the slight lift of the silver brow when the aroma of Chakotay's particular tea beverage had registered, but no comment was made. Forcing her hands to keep moving to her lips, Kathryn took a sip, lowered the beverage, and swore next time Seven asked for a moment of her time she'd get coffee. Seven cups already in her system be damned, this was not the conversation she should be having. "You have been my mentor, my … friend as B'Elanna has informed me, throughout my recovery. I am uncertain how to proceed."

"Seven," sighing, Kathryn placed the cup down, twisted a leg up onto the couch and reached to squeeze the younger woman's knee. A momentary flash of pride that any man would come to her when they had this available flashed through her, but she squashed it down. "Maybe you should start at the beginning."

"Do you discuss sexual intercourse with your friends?"

"Not exactly, but I'm pretty private. It's up to you what you discuss Seven."

"I have not …" Seven faltered and Kathryn watched, amazed, as she lifted the glass to her lips and took a decent amount into her body. Something told her that this was more along the lines of "the talk" than anything else, and that unnerved her for a moment. "I have heard the crew speak about us. They claim it's like watching a man walk around with his daughter on his arm, or sister. I am uncertain what they are implying. Please explain."

"Ah," that would explain last night. Shifting at the memory she forced herself not to smile. That had been one wild night, not to mention the amount of replicator rations she would need to replace the broken vase her flowers had been in. "You want to know what people see. Seven, you are young and Chakotay … well he's older."

"He is only nineteen years older than me. I do not see how that is a problem."

"Because it isn't, not really. Age isn't something that controls how one feels about a person. A man could be thirty years older than someone and still love them. The same with a woman. But at the same time certain … relations can be sought in those types of bonds. When you think of Chakotay what do you think of? What is he too you?"

"He is my husband, I love him." Shit. Kathryn cursed internally, swearing not to mention this particular point of the day to Chakotay later; then again maybe avoiding him would be best. "But we have not been … intimate."

"And you want to?"

"He desires children."

"That's not what I asked, Seven. Do you want to have sex with Chakotay?"

"I … am uncertain. I have not …"

"You're a virgin," Kathryn tried not to laugh; she had already known that much, but the way Seven had started to blush was far more telling than anything. "It's perfectly natural to be uncertain about this. When you are ready, completely ready, you do something. No sooner. Chakotay will understand that."

"I have read that those who are not getting what they desire in a relationship will turn to others for it."

Like a former Borg drone, Kathryn mused forcing herself not to smile. No need to tell Seven that they both were that person. Seven for what Kathryn couldn't give him, and her for what Seven couldn't. The entire situation was ironic. Chakotay had gone to Seven looking for the intimacy she couldn't, wouldn't, give him. After marrying her, (loving her she wasn't to certain about), he turned to her when Seven wasn't, wouldn't, couldn't, give the intimacy he needed. Squeezing the young woman's knee she sighed.

"Seven, answer me this. Why did you approach Chakotay about a relationship?"

"You." The blue eyes looking at her now looked confident, assured, and yet slightly nervous. "I have found it wise to trust your decisions. You have not led me astray despite how much we may have clashed. You are my friend, my sister as I have heard us referred to, and another word I've heard is mother. I have not had a mother or a sister and cannot attest to those claims by the crew. However, you have placed great trust and allowed only two into your personal life. Commander Chakotay and Commander Tuvok. It was only logical, when exploring relationships that I turn to the person whom you yourself have approved of."

"But not Tuvok?"

"We are … similar. While I do not believe we would have any issues within a more personal relationship his being bonded to another would be an issue. Chakotay was the most efficient choice and when you told me the holo program I had constructed was inappropriate I felt, perhaps, I should approach him. He is aware of the program."

"You spoke to him about it."

"Yes, it is what you would have done."

"I did. I told him before we even spoke."

"He informed me. However, my reason for turning to him for assistant may have derived from your relationship with him, but I do love him."

"I don't doubt that. You trusted him because I did. You learned to trust him because I do. You have to trust that he isn't going to hurt you." At least not physically. She squashed the thought down and patted her knee. "If you are ready to sleep with him then do it. If not, then don't."

"It is not the appropriate time in a relationship to begin copulation. Copulation is for the reproduction of subunits, we have yet to establish a secure unimatrix in our current status. It would be inefficient to introduce other factors."

"Perhaps, but I wouldn't say it like that. Seven, there are ways to prevent pregnancy. Boosters are designed for that purpose. You can't let the desire not to have child yet prevent you from enjoying your husband."

"I will think about this."

"Good. Now, anything else?"

 "You talked to Seven about children," Chakotay's voice was calm despite the hint of annoyance in his voice. "You told her when she's ready?"

"Of course," lowering her fork, she sat back, grabbing her napkin and lightly patting her lips. They were sharing dinner in her quarters, PADDs on either side of them. Clearly their discussion of the current status of the warp core was over. "Chakotay, if she isn't ready to spread her legs for you I'm not going to tell her to go do it."

"A little crude don't you think?" He raised a brow and she shrugged.

"Want me to pretty it up for your thinking? If Seven isn't ready to lay down and make mad delicious love with her exquisite husband I can't exactly force her to do it."

"Delicious? Exquisite?"

"Stay on topic, Commander." He sighed. "Look, I'm sorry. What was I supposed to do? Tell her sorry, I'm currently sleeping with him on a pretty regular basis? The goal is not to hurt her Chakotay, and I won't let you force me or her into something she isn't ready for."

"It has nothing to do with you! She's my wife, Kathryn, not yours."

"Then go talk to her about this and not me."

"Why, so she can run off to you again after another one of our arguments about this and seek your counsel? So you can tell her not to sleep with me? So you can manipulate all this to your liking?"

"You rather she ran into my ready room and fuck me against a wall?" She watched his eyes flash completely different now. Leaning forward she smirked. "Is that it, Chakotay? You've been thinking about threesomes. About watching me get your young, virgin, wife all prepped up and ready for you? Watching me teach her how to pleasure you? Is that -"

His hands grabbed her, pulling her across the table, lips landing firmly on hers. She pushed him away, studied his face for a moment, then pulled him back. The urgency was gone, the kiss smoother, gentler as he helped her into a sitting position on the edge of the table. Cradled between her thighs he held her face between his hands, lips and tongue exploring hers as her hands lightly held his waist. When he finally pulled back, he rested his head against hers and sighed.

"No," He whispered. "Don't get me wrong, that was a damn vivid picture you just painted for me, but no. I don't like the idea of sharing you."

"But sharing Seven?"

"I just want my wife," Her heart broke as she reached up to cup her face. "She's not you, Kathryn, but I do care about her."

"I know," she whispered swallowing. "We both care about her, admittedly you differently, but it's why we don't want to hurt her. She's not ready, Chakotay, she looked ready to bolt just trying to ask my advice. I think … well, I think part of her is afraid of disappointing you."

"Maybe it won't matter what she doesn't. Maybe the only way I won't be dis -"

"Don't, Chakotay. We promised not to go there." She watched his face fall.

"So, what, we argue, fuck, then see you later? Kathryn this is wrong."

"Then leave," she hadn't expected him too. Hadn't expected it but he did. He released her, turned, and walked out without a backwards glance. Sighing, she slipped off the table and headed to the bedroom. Just barely had she gotten her blue nightgown pulled on before she felt arms wrapping around her waist and lips attacking her neck. "Chakotay?"

"Unless you're expecting someone else to barge in your quarters," he spoke and she felt his lips curve against her neck. "I want to hold you in my arms."

"It's late."

"I know, just sleep, Kathryn. I … I'm a married man with no wife to hold at night." She swallowed. I have read that those who are not getting what they desire in a relationship will turn to others for it. Seven's words came back to her and she barely managed a nod before she found herself released. She had barely managed to turn around before his arms were wrapping around her again, pulling her against his now bare and solid chest. "Damn you."

"I was about to say the same," she chuckled knowing they couldn't stop this, even if they wanted to. After that first time they had started something and it wasn't going to end. Not until the lying, cheating, and pain all built to a point that it broke them. She just hoped it never did. Hoped that they could survive the violation to their morals, the mutual caring towards Seven. Survive whatever the outcome would be.

Month Six

"I missed you too Naomi," Kathryn smiled as the arms around her middle tightened. She had barely gotten out of the shuttle before the girl embraced her. "You got bigger again."

"Mom says I look thirteen now," Naomi beamed up at her. "Commander Chakotay said I was to be your welcome back committee since the ship is still handling repairs."

"I see. And did my First Officer give any other orders to my Captain's Assistant?"

"Yes, I am to take you directly to the holodeck after permitting you a total of forty-five minutes to change. I have been instructed to inform you that a bath is permitted so long as you have time to change. The Commander says he left something for you and you'd understand. Are you ready Captain?"

"Apparently I don't have a choice." Kathryn shook her head. Not even fifty minutes later she found herself entering a holodeck program of a restaurant, who knows where, overlooking a large river with mountains in the distance. Apparently, Chakotay's "something" had been the dress he said he wanted to see her in. Not that she was complaining, it was his replicator rations and a very nice dress. Floor length, dark green, off the shoulder straps, and an open back. There was no doubt that this was not one of their usual meals. It was far more intimate, romantic, than they would usually permit.

"You look beautiful," startled by the voice she turned, slowly, working her composure into place. She had to end this. They couldn't delve into something like this, something far more intimate then what they had already been doing. A love affair of just sex was one thing but a full fledge relationship would be something entirely different. The intention was there, to say the words, tell him it's over, only the moment she turned he stood way to good looking for her to even manage to form a word. A neat cut, black tuxedo covered his body. Hands tucked into the pockets, dimples showing, just barely, and his eyes focused on her. Just the slightest hint of uncertainty was present. "I … wanted to dance with you. Just once."

"Haven't we been dancing for years?"

"Not at some crew function. Not as Commanding Officer and Executive Officer. Not as Captain and First Officer. Not even as Captain and Commander. But just us, Kathryn and Chakotay." She stiffened just slightly. "I told her, she knows that I'm here. That I wanted to share a dance with my best friend. A private celebration of your recent success."

"You told her?" Anger laced her voice and she moved forward, the matching heels he'd left with the dress clicking against the paved sidewalk she'd been waiting on. Her hand rose to strike him and just as quickly his own rose to catch her wrist. "How could you tell her?"

"I told her about tonight nothing else." Instantly the anger left her, gently he tugged her closer, free hand gently cupping her waist. The hand gripping the outside of her wrist adjusting, moving higher, encasing her hand in his. "Dance with me?"

"You sent Naomi because you knew I couldn't say no to her."

"A good fighter never reveals his tactics." Kathryn chuckled, shaking her head, sinking into his arms. It wasn't conscious, like the rest of what their lives had become in the past six months, the act was instinct. Part of who she was, that side of her that knew it belong here, in his arms. He knew. She knew. Neither spoke of it. Both felt it, knew this was how it was meant to be. Knew that despite that fact that the guilt they both felt over their actions would never diminish. It could be bottled up and set aside, dealt with later in the privacy of their own thoughts, their own quarters, but here and now, and every time they merged, it was silenced. If they didn't, if they dared think of what this would do to Seven, they would shatter and instinct refused to let the other shatter.

So, they lied to themselves. Told themselves it was just an accident and wouldn't happen again. That Seven was okay with their little private celebration even as he cleared the table and set her on it. Even as he dived between her legs and attacked her with his mouth, showing her how much he had been concerned, how much he missed her. They lied. Told themselves that they were nothing more than friends. Kept all the unspoken words of devotion trapped down deep so as not to shatter the illusion. Not to shatter the other with the pain, grief, and guilt doing so would cause. Silence was so much a part of what they did now in order to protect themselves and Seven that they no longer even needed to talk about how wrong what they were doing was. They knew, they ignored, they lied, and they kept silent about the whys.

Month Seven

She couldn't move. Not that she was complaining. One hand resting on her abdomen, the other stretched out on his, she was content. Beyond content. A dry chuckle left her, he echoed it. Both turned their heads and smiled slightly. Getting old, Tom had said. Teased them about old age and this and that all day. If only the ship knew what they were recovering from. Definitely one of the best crew evaluation sessions she's ever had to do. Shifting, intending to sit up, she let out a groan.

"Oh, my back," she laughed and so did he before gently nudging her over. "I can't roll Chakotay! I can't even move."

"You're the one who decided to start this evening out in my lap."

"You pulled me into it!" She chuckled, groaning again but finally managing to get onto her stomach. Large warm hands immediately located the worst spot and started kneading. "How can you even move at the moment?"

"Inspiration," Chakotay smirked down at her, lowered so that he could press his lips between her shoulder blades. "Besides, I wasn't the one basically arching over my knees three hours ago. Or clinging to the dining table, desk, wall, coffee table. Just how many places have you wanted to do this on Kathryn?"

"Oh, every surface of the ship. Hull included."

"Don't even tell me how you managed that one."

"The 37s," Turning her head she looked back at him, smiling teasingly. "When we landed the ship it was all I could think about for awhile. Me, you, top of the hull just above the bridge."

"No more surfaces that hurt your back okay."

"Why? I got my own personal masseuse to fix it," a startled gasp left her. "Oh, no, no too soon. Way … Chakotay stop."

"Then play nice," He lightly patted her behind after removing his fingers from her. She glared and he chuckled. "One day you'll let me do that."

"Not happening mister." Closing her eyes she enjoyed the renewed massage. Warm hands working out all the kinks and knots in her back. Tongue cleaning off her inner thighs, making her smile even as he avoided the still too sensitive portions of her flesh, knowing well enough which parts of her not to touch just yet. Her legs were given just as good a treatment as her back and before she knew it his body was pressed against her back, hips pressing against the clefts of her rear, his erection familiar and still enough to make her whimper in response. "I'm not sure I can be that much fun."

"You're always fun," He whispered, kissing her neck as his fingers probed below. "Besides, I was thinking of just lifting your hips and holding you in place."

"Meaning you want me to just wiggle by butt at you and let you do all the work?"

"Well, the wiggle part wasn't there but -" He chuckled, kissing her neck in response to the light jab of elbow in response to his words. "This is what you do to me, Kathryn; we don't have to do anything."

"Now that would be no fun," She opened her eyes and smiled. "Besides your fingers are already getting me warmed up."

"Noticed huh?" She glared and he smiled kissing her forehead. "Not complaining?"

"Nope. Round, what are we on now?" He shrugged.

"It's nearly five in the morning; we've gotten maybe twenty minutes sleep."

"Well, let's not ruin it then." Smirking she pushed her hips up towards him, he growled, and before she knew it her body was bent backwards and he was pushing into her again. Bracing her elbows she pushed back against him, arched her back, got herself into the perfect position and once they both were assured they were ready, he started moving. Despite her claim seconds ago, she was doing as much work as he was. Fingers dug into her hips, trying to keep her still but she refused to listen and meet him just as powerfully as he was meeting her. Grunts, groans, moans, and various other sounds filled her quarters again and soon they were both crying out, his fingers moving to assisting her to orgasm, and collapsing upon the bed. "Heavy."

"Can't move," he panted into her neck and she rolled her eyes. "We have about an hour before we need to get ready in time for shift."

"Then get off and sleep," She pushed her shoulder against him, not surprised when he rolled onto his side and pulled her against him.

Month Eight

"Chakotay, what's -" She didn't get to finish. Her body was pressed against his, and his lips on hers far too quickly for her to even get the rest of the question out. Another fight, she could taste it on him. These times were always different, more demanding, more aggressive almost. He never forced her, that wasn't his style, but he really only gave her a two second window to say no and more often than not "yes, please, now" escaped her lips before she could even think about where they were. Today was, oddly enough, astrometrics. "Computer seal doors authorization Janeway Pi Alpha One."

"Chakotay Omega Three Seven," His voice growled out, lips barely leaving the curve of her neck even as his hands worked at the fastenings of her uniform. Hers worked just as quickly over his. Both eager for full skin contact rather than only removing what was necessary. He argued with Seven today. She witnessed her friend losing his mind even more today. Tuvok's eyes looking at her with pleading, hoping, and so much more jumped into her mind for just a second before she felt her back connect with the nearest console. "Don't leave."

"Sorry," she managed to get out, knowing, just like she knew when his mind wandered elsewhere, he would know if she let her own reasons take over. She needed him. He needed her. That's all that mattered right now and she had no problems answering that need. Clinging to him as his fingers dug into her rear, lifting her, pushing into her and pausing just long enough for her to adjust before taking her against his wife's work station. Part of her wondered if that's why he came here rather then waited. Fantasies of his wife, like this, with him in this room. The rest of her didn't care as long as he kept doing what he was doing.

Chakotay pushed into her, taking out his frustrations on the willing body all the while holding back the anger that could easily hurt her. It wasn't her fault, wasn't her that kept Seven from doing anything more than a few kisses here and there. It wasn't Kathryn denying him on weekly, almost daily basis. He should be satisfied, getting what he needs from Kathryn, but he was a man of principal, married, should be happy and satisfied with his wife, not someone else. That wasn't his life. Instead he was committing adultery almost twice a day with the woman he loved simply because the woman he turned to in order to get over the woman he was currently pounding into at his wife's work station was unavailable.

Life was a bitch.

Month Nine

"Kathryn -" The book in his hand dropped to the couch, arms wrapping around the body that had straddled him. Lips pressed against his. Belatedly he remembered she had time with Tuvok scheduled today. Time to try to help the Doctor cure him and those were always hard days for her. So he let her do what she needed, let her work him into an erection - not that he needed much help there - and pry him out of his pants. Her body pressed down on him seconds later and he held her hips lightly as she rode him. It was hard, rough, and fast but he didn't complain. Sex with Kathryn was never the same but it was always good or at least most of the time it was. When she finished, when he finished seconds later, she slumped against him, lying down on his chest.

"You can read now," Kathryn whispered, he chuckled and held her tightly to him.

"I'm sorry."

"I know." She wanted to cry, wanted to tell him how much they needed to stop. They no longer talked, not really. Work yes, but sharing, helping each other through rough patches, that had fallen away a while ago. Helping and sharing turned into rough sex which turned into the more gentle couplings afterwards. He didn't mention that she had to have changed out of her uniform into the dress she now wore. That dress had one purpose, to be worn with the sole intent of doing what she just did. She didn't mention that she missed him, missed Tuvok. Missed having someone to open up to. Instead they let the silence replace the words and after he finished another chapter of his book, her eyes following along with him, he picked her up, carried her against his chest, and walked to the bedroom. Stripped her slowly, caressed and kissed every inch of her body, lowered her onto the bed. Stripped himself, faster than he did her, and then spent the rest of the night making sure she knew he was still there, if not with words then with body and soul.

Month Ten

They lost two crewmembers and seven more were critical in sickbay, three of which were not expected to make it. Add to that the Doctor submitted a casualty report with twenty other names on top of those nine and they both ended up looking for the other. Kathryn saw to all the injured, Tuvok included which only compounded his already existing medical condition. Chakotay had been with Seven, checking on her since her alcove surged with her in it at the start of the attack. That led to the two of them arguing over his "unnecessary concern" and Kathryn struggling not to cry out in frustration. Which lead to them running into each other in the corridor, and just breaking into the nearest quarters (the junior officer quarters next to hers) and going at it against the wall next to the entrance. Their proximity even kept the doors wide open and for the first time neither cared about being caught.

They didn't care that despite that deck being devoid of other inhabits, work crews would be coming through to check the deck for damage. They didn't care that at any moment Seven or someone could come to see them. That at any moment anyone could step off the turbolift and hear the very distinct sounds of their commanding officers crying out in carnal bliss for various reasons. Instead, they gripped each other and thrust against each other, rough and powerful, demanding that sweet distraction in the moment. Once their cries of release died, the corridors no longer echoing off what they just did, they scrambled to dress. She gripped his hand and led him through the still open door and down to her quarters. She pulled him in and then into a kiss, walking backwards as they switched from frantic coupling to gentler caresses. Stripping each other of clothing as they moved towards the bathroom where they washed each other.

Chakotay emerged, wrapped in a towel looking for his clothes, and chuckled to find Kathryn standing at the replicator completely naked. She looked back at him, to the towel, shrugged and returned to her work. Understanding, knowing, that she did not intend to put clothes on. Keeping up the physical barriers that echoed the more emotional ones, he dropped the towel. Moved up behind her, reaching to input the right programming for the meal she was trying to get them, coffee included. She didn't protest, simply leaned back against him. They spent the entire night simply caressing and kissing, only once joining again in sweet, slow, bliss.

Month Eleven

"Come." Kathryn looked up surprised, and slightly confused, to see Seven entering her ready room. Chakotay was do any second now for their daily ships status review. "Seven? What can I do for you?" Her brow rose as a PADD was handed to her with far more determination then the nervous look on the young woman's face was sending. Taking it she spoke softly, "Seven, I'm not expecting a report from you."

"This is not a report … Kathryn." Seven's words weren't necessary. The simple use of her first name was explanation enough. I slept with Seven. The words Chakotay had uttered to her over dinner just a month ago, shortly after they lost four crewmembers and their night of just caressing -something her brain adamantly denied having happened because that was far to telling of their emotions than anything else in their lives recently. Swallowing, she looked down at the PADD and any hope she had at telling herself it was a notification of medical status flew away at warp 10. "You must decide."

"I … see." Her mouth opened again to form … something. An explanation? Apology? Decision? She didn't know. Just shut her mouth and looked at the words before her. Really it was just a list of documents that made it clear just what the PADD was about. Under one file heading was the proper notifications and various documents involved in a divorce. Under another file heading was the various notifications and documents involved with marriage, her name listed on those. Under a third was the various medical texts and a doctor's report on Seven, considering the texts she had no doubt it had something to do with conceiving a child. "Seven I …"

"If you opt not to end your illegal activities with Commander Chakotay then I will file for divorce under the condition that you and he solidify your relationship with marriage. If you so opt to end your liaisons then I will proceed with the Doctor's ideas on how to better increase my chances of conception despite the presence of nanaprobes in my blood stream."

"I didn't realize that was a problem."

"I have been unsuccessful in reprograming them so they would not assimilate the conceived offspring." The image of a Borg infant being birthed flashed through her mind for a moment. Implants and all. Swallowing, she lowered the PADD. "Decided."

"I … your … how did you find out?"

"I have been suspicious since the first month of our marriage. I finished my regeneration and when I requested his location, I was informed he was within your quarters. It was too early for breakfast. It wasn't until last month when he uttered your name during our copulation that he confirmed what I believed was happening. However, he is unaware of it."

"You decided to confront me about this rather than him? Ever think maybe it was just an accident? My name I mean. We are the commanding -"

"You reek of my husband." Kathryn flinched with that one. "Decide." The door chimed but the former Borg didn't even flinch or move. Blue eyes looked at her and Kathryn gently turned the PADD over. "Chakotay has a meeting with you at this time. I require your decision. I do not wish to harm my husband, please, what is it you desire from him?"

Before she could answer the doors slipped open and Chakotay entered. Seven looked over her shoulder at him, turned, walked away. Kathryn watched as the two shared a light peek of the lips, whispered words, and then she was alone with him. He looked happy, eyes bouncing between her and Seven for a moment before he settled across from her and reached for the over turned PADD. She grabbed it, pulled it towards her, nodding to Seven in silent agreement; Chakotay didn't need to know what just happened.

"Personal business with Seven, Captain?"

"Your wife was simply seeking some advice on something," Kathryn smiled watching the doors hiss shut behind her protégé. "Now, we have a ship to run."

Month Twelve

"Have the shuttle bay prepare the flyer, Seven meet me down there."

"Captain -"

"It's our only chance to make it out of this alive, Commander." Kathryn growled gripping the rail as the ship bucked beneath her again. She cursed the ship; the blasted thing kept demanding she be surrendered. Apparently, her crime was having a former drone on board and it was more of an insult to have sent her down as part of the mining team on the planet. So, now they were struggling against the small fleet attempting to convince them, with force, to surrender her for punishment. She had managed to get them to agree to not take Seven but if her plan were to succeed, she needed Seven to help program the flyers weapons systems. Without Tuvok available Seven was her best bet. "Take Voyager out of here the moment the shuttle is clear."

"I am not leaving you behind," Chakotay spoke and she looked at him, glared. Seven's ultimatum came back to her and she almost flinched. They hadn't stopped, it hadn't been mentioned again. The PADD was hidden away in her quarters, looked at daily as she debated the options. She couldn't marry Chakotay but to end this would kill her. His arm gripped her's holding her in place just before the turbo lift. Seven was already gone, thankfully, but she still couldn't stop picturing the pain in the eyes that greeted her more often than not these days. "Don't do this."

"This is the only chance Voyager has, Commander, and it's one we have to try. Get Voyager and this crew to a safe distance. We will be coming back." With that, she stepped away, letting her own determination hold him in place. In truth she had no plan. Simply trusted that even if she had to sacrifice herself, Seven would be the best person to get the shuttle out and handle defensive maneuvers. Tom was a good pilot but Voyager needed him more than the Flyer would. Still, if she was about to go to her death, imprisonment, whatever waited her on that planet she needed to give Seven her decision.

It wasn't supposed to go down the way it did. An hour later she wasn't supposed to find herself standing inside the Flyer watching as her best friend cradled his wife against his chest begging her not to die. Wasn't supposed to be calling for an emergency transport to sickbay. Hearing the voice of her First Officer telling her that transporters were down. Calling for the Doctor to get there, for Tom, for every damn medic on board to converge on the shuttle bay as she watched the scene before her. Wasn't supposed to be dropping to her knees, grabbing a hold of the hand still covered in Borg machinery, fighting her tears.

"Seven, you have to hang on," Kathryn's voice surprised her and she found herself squeezing her hand.

"You decided." Seven spoke, voice firm, a gentle smile upon her face. "That is all I need."

"No," Command, that's the voice now, presenting itself. "Don't you dare die."

"My cortical node is failing. The surge in the console shorted it. I will not survive this."

"Annika," Chakotay whispered gently stroking her face. Kathryn bit her lip as blue eyes filled with tears as they looked up at him. "Don't talk like that. The Doctor is on his way. He'll -"

"It's okay, Chakotay," The hand slipped from hers and she watched helplessly as it reached up to cup his face. "I love you." She placed a finger to his lips to stop his reply. "You have loved me, Chakotay, but not as deeply as others." Blue eyes returned to her and she felt her heart shatter. "I can forgive you, Kathryn. Thank you, for the sacrifice."

"No," Chakotay's grip tightened on his wife. His cry of agony filled the shuttle even as the Doctor entered. The confirmation of the tricorder wasn't needed. The completely slack body before them was enough. Standing, moving back, she pulled the Doctor with her. Pulled him away from the scene. Unable to pull her own eyes away from the man laying out his wife's body, closing her eyes, kissing her lips. Whispering words she couldn't hear, wasn't sure she wanted to hear.

"Captain?" The Doctor's voice pulled her from the scene. Turning her head she watched him as he lifted the tricorder to scan her. "You have third degree burns to your forearms."

"I pulled her from the console," She whispered looking down at the severely charred uniform and flesh she had been too shocked to notice seconds ago. Her eyes rose when she sensed his presence near her. "We were clear. They thought me dead. They … the console over loaded. Tried … it was supposed to be me."


"I made my decision."

"Captain?" The Doctors tone jerked her back to the present and she looked up at him. At his concerned gaze, the understanding there. He touched her shoulder. "She would have done the same."

"I killed her didn't I?"

"Kathryn, what -"

"Let's get you to sickbay, Captain."

Stardate 54973.4

It wasn't a lie. Not really. That's what she told herself as she lifted the glass of whiskey, something she brought with her and made sure got off her shuttle before some Ensign found it, to her lips for another sip. Staring out at the stars she repeated it to herself. You didn't lie, Kathryn. Her mantra for the last, what was it twenty three years now, or was it twenty four. She could never keep that lie straight. Two years from now, not three. Shuttle, not away mission. Affair, not friends helping each other. So many lies, so many omissions. Yet, she had been honest still.

Chakotay had never been the same. She had never been the same. Not when her words echoed around in his head. Not when she woke up to him sitting on the edge of her bed, that same day, holding that PADD in his hands. The look on his face was one she hadn't seen since he first beamed aboard her ship and then some. His words still wouldn't leave her and she shivered. Bringing the whiskey back to her lips she drowned it, letting the words drown for the time beneath them.

She knew and you didn't tell me. That's the sacrifice. That's the murder. I can't stop, Kathryn, not this. Not coming to you. I need you right now and I hate you for that. I hate you, Kathryn. I hate you.

He had taken her that night, pulled her night gown off and went after her muttering over and over again how much he hated her. She let him, couldn't stop him if she wanted to. She hated herself after all. Her inability to give him up right away had slowly killed Seven. Every day when she'd see that increased level of pain in her protégé's eyes she knew, knew that they'd been intimate and it was her name cried out. Knew that by letting it continue she was killing her slowly. Yet she couldn't stop. Not till that day. Not till that planet. Not until he said he couldn't leave HER behind not his wife. Then she knew, knew without a doubt that she had to give him up because he couldn't be happy, they couldn't be happy, as long as she was in the picture. It was supposed to be her at the console not Seven. Supposed to be her dead but Seven had pulled her away to hide her emotions and took over the controls after she had told her she would stop seeing him.

Lies. Her life had become lies. Chakotay and she didn't stop their affair, that's what it still was, until the day he died. You screwed me to death, Kathryn. Those were his final words to her and they still haunted her. Lies and silence. Lies to everyone about what they were doing, what happened, and anything else that could possibly ever hurt Seven if anyone knew even though she was dead. Silence about them. The unspoken words that had once been more devoting turned darker. Hatred, blame, grief, pain taking over what love they had for each other. It was still there, they knew that, at least she did. His care every time after he'd come and slam her against the wall and take her had been evidence enough of that. She didn't complain about how rough it always was now. Her own guilt telling her she needed it. No, she may have lied about the details, but that part had been real. They were never the same.

Chapter End Notes:
A/N: Let me know what you think of the story. I want to say thanks to the ladies in the NJC for helping me get through writing this, offering a beta, and for the original idea. Thanks for taking the time to read, I hope you enjoyed it, and please leave a review.
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