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Disclaimer: J/C belong to Paramount. Gretchen belongs to Jeri Taylor. Everyone else is my idea.... 
 
 
The night air feels cool , and I pull my sweater close to ward off the chill. 
Funny, since when did Indiana get so cold in the summer? No matter. Its good to be here, to see the moon - Earth's moon - hanging in the sky once again. 
Fifteen years. A lifetime ... certainly my children's lifetime. 
Six months ago, we coaxed Voyager into transwarp; four months later, we crossed into the Alpha Quadrant. 
Life since then has been a blur. Rounds of review boards and debriefings and news vids - though frankly, those made me want to gag. The heroic time travelers. The courageous captain who had found romance with her first officer. It sounds like a bad holonovel. 
And while I am certainly happy to be home, it's been more difficult than I'd feared. So much had changed. So many unfamiliar people and unlived events. I wonder sometimes if we had stumbled into the Beta Quadrant, by mistake, or an alternate timeline. 
So, we've come to mother's house to regroup, to relax and make some decisions. She had insisted. Quite generous of her, actually. It had to have been a shock , getting a daughter back plus a son-in-law and three rambunctious children to boot. 
I feel guilty about that. She's missed so much ... first words, first steps. It had to have been hard to hear strangers tell her what her grandchildren were like as babies. I suspect this invitation is just as much to take their measure as it is to get reacquainted with me. 
I see something moving under the oak tree. Paka. 
Should have known I'd find him staring at the stars. That's where he usually was on Voyager, laying in one of the observation room windows, watching the stars streak by. 
It's ironic, but by coming back to Earth, completing my mission, I've destroyed my little boy's world. And right now, I'm not sure he's willing to forgive me. 
At first, Paka - actually all the children - had considered our return to be a big adventure. Mom's fairy tales come true. But then, Voyager went to spacedock, and we camped in temporary housing; One by one, their friends moved away. 
The stress was too much. Tala had nightmares two weeks running. My mild-mannered Thomas began throwing ferocious tantrums. And Paka, who usually moves at warp speed and speaks at high volume, has been withdrawn since the day we left the ship. 
As usual, Chakotay was the one who had to pick up the pieces. I, as usual, was stuck in another briefing, another review. Still being the captain of Voyager. I certainly didn't mind that he'd called in counselors for the children, but then he persuaded the readjustment staff to order me into counseling as well. 
We'd had words that night, and not for the first time since we'd been back. 
"Damn it, Kathryn, " he yelled. "You're not on Voyager any more." 
"Really! I hadn't noticed," I spat back. 
"What I mean," he said more quietly. "Is that you're still putting the ship first. We've spent very little time together. Always a meeting, a briefing. Another welcoming reception." 
"I'm the captain ... remember?" 
" Yes, you're the captain. But we're a family. Our children want to know what's going to happen to them. They're scared. So am I. So are you, but you won't admit it. You're too busy working on reports." 
The words stung. 
But I didn't need a counselor. At least that what I told Marta Actually, Capt. Marta Bernstein, now. Another change. I'd known Marta casually at the Academy, before she married that fellow cadet in our biology class. 
"Kathryn, " she said patiently. "Starfleet limits deep space missions to seven years. And that's in this quadrant, where's there's access to home. You were out there 15 years. I've read some of your reports. And frankly, I had to stop reading them in the evenings. John insisted. They were giving me nightmares." 
Charming, but my defenses were up. "I did what I had to do." 
Marta smiled, and I wondered if she'd been talking with my husband. "Look, I'll make you a deal," she said lightly. "You tell me how you kept your sanity out there, and I'll give you half the doctorate after I write a dissertation on you." 
I laughed, but I still wasn't willing to open up. But orders were orders, so twice a week, I showed up for a session. 
Marta didn't push - actually, she was a bit sneaky about it. She'd figured out quickly that I can't hold onto that command facade when I talk about my children. Can't do it. So, all she'd do was ask. And before I knew it, I'd segued from the children to other subjects ... Kazon and Hirogen and the guilt I felt at losing so many people. 
And slowly, I began to feel something loosen . Began to feel, perhaps, as if I was finally finding myself again. 
Things at home began to loosen up, too. At least for everyone but Paka. The counseling - and a bonus of his grandmother's brownies - helped some. But he's still way too quiet, preferring to spend his time under a tree in the back yard.. 
I watch him, just sitting under that tree, wondering what to do for him, and my mind begins to drift back to my own childhood ... when I sat here with Daddy, watching the stars. 
The idea hits me with an almost physical force. I run back into the house and head for the study ... for Daddy's desk. "Maybe, just maybe," I think as I open the top left drawer and rummage a bit ... 
Bingo! There it is! One of Daddy's star charts. Then, on instinct, I walk out of the house and over to the tree, where I sit down next to Paka. Neither of us says a word as we gaze heavenward. 
"You know, " I finally say, keeping my voice light. "It seems funny to see the same stars night after night. I'd gotten used to seeing new ones all the time." 
Paka nodded. "These have lots of shapes, like that one, " he said, pointing. 
"Ah, that's the big dipper." 
He looked at me in amazement. "You know their names?" 
I decide not to remind him that I'm supposed to know these things. "Sure, your grandfather taught me. See the one over there? That's the little dipper." 
I showed him the chart, and together we hunted for the constellations it showed. I told him their names, and their stories. As we talked, he gradually began to inch toward me; until he was in my arms with his head resting on my chest. 
"Mom," he finally said. "Are we ever going back to live on Voyager?" 
"No, baby. " 
"Are we staying here?" 
"In Indiana? No. I suspect Dad and I will have to work at headquarters for a while. If that happens, we'll live in San Francisco." 
He raised his head to look at me. "Why did we have to come here? Why couldn't we stay on Voyager?" 
My heart ached. What can I say to comfort him? 
I spoke as gently as she could. "Because, we didn't belong in the Delta Quadrant. We got there by accident. We belong here. This is where our families are. This is where Starfleet is. We had to come back." 
"This isn't home! I want to go back to Voyager. I want to go home!" He began to sob, pounding his fists on my chest in anguish. 
All I could do is hold him close and let him cry. And cry with him 
Eventually cried out, Paka quieted down. I fished out a tissue and wiped his face, then waited quietly while he blew his nose. 
"You know, " I said, stroking his dark hair. "When Voyager went into the Delta Quadrant. I didn't want to be there at all. I wanted to go home to Earth. 
"Of course, you know this part of the story. That your dad and I fell in love and decided to get married. One night, we were talking about going home, and he told me that I was his home. I thought he meant that Voyager was his home. Especially since his homeworld was given to the Cardassians." 
"The ones who killed Grandpa Kolopak, " Paka added. 
I nodded, but made a mental note to talk with the boy about peace treaties. "It took me a long time to realize what he meant. That home is not a place, because places change. But home is being with the people you love. So home is not Voyager, or a house in San Francisco. As long as you're with me and dad and Thomas and Tallie, you'll be home." 
He frowned as he thought about it. "Really?" he asked. 
"Really, " I said, pulling him close for a hug. 
"And M'baath and Kalban?" 
"You'll have them, too." I whispered, though my heart sank a bit. M'baath had been there since he was a baby; in truth she was his grandmother. But we had talked just before our arrival; as much as she loved the children, she was getting too old to care for them on a daily basis. "Besides," she laughed, "they're growing up ... they don't need either of us as much anymore." 
Perhaps, but this was just one more change ... not only for them, but for me. I'd come to see her as my substitute mother, and frankly, the idea of having full charge of my children without her backing me up was rather scary. But then, the idea of having them scared me each time, too. 
I sighed and pulled my eldest a bit closer. 
"It will be all right, Paka. I promise." Maybe, someday it would be, I told myself. 
He said nothing, but I could feel him relax against me, and I relaxed with him, leaning against the tree. 
We were asleep when Chakotay found us. 
Next morning, I nursed a cup of coffee and a stiff back. "That's what stargazing will get you," Chakotay teased. 
I was about to reply, but was drowned out by the thunder of two little boys pounding down the back stairs. Paka burst into the kitchen, carrying a squat, black cylinder, Thomas tagging behind. 
"Mom! Look at this old telescope I found! Can we put it up?!" His voice was back to its usual high volume. My God, had he always been that loud? 
I'm not about to scold him. "Let's see," I say, taking the object to examine it. "This was your grandfather's. Looks like it's still in good shape." 
Paka was practically dancing with impatience. "I told Thomas we'd show him the Big Dipper! We can, right Mom?" 
Chakotay was grinning, watching Paka's antics. He finally hooked an arm around the boy and pulled him close, as much to hug him as to quiet him down. 
"OK, here's the deal." I tell him. " You take this out in the yard, then go up in the attic and get the stand. After I have breakfast, we'll set it up." I throw a wink at my younger son. "And tonight, Thomas, you can stay up later to see the Big Dipper. " 
"Careful now," I warn Paka as I hand him the telescope. He nodded, then shot out the back door, the screen nearly catching Thomas in the face. 
Mother, alerted by the noise, had slipped into the kitchen. "So that's his real personality," she said. "He pestered me all morning until I finally dug out some more of your father's charts. I finally sent him up to the attic to keep him quiet." 
"Believe me," Chakotay said. "The only times he's usually quiet are when he's asleep, or looking at the stars." 
"From the looks of it, " he said, "I suspect you'll be sending him off to the Academy in a few years." 
I just smiled. "Maybe so, Mother. But right now, I'm just glad to have him home." 
-fin- 
               
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