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Written for gslovesvoyager who won my auction at the QFR on Livejournal.

 

Thank you very much to Elem for doing yet another great beta service (and for bringing some sense into this). Thank you!

Love is...

 

 

The setting sun coloured the horizon in a wash of vivid red, inviting a small flock of seagulls to begin their evening dance high up in the cloudless sky.


Leaning against the low stone balustrade, Chakotay took some time to watch the birds chase each other across the wide horizon. Every now and then, one would dive down to the water below, stop short just above the surface and hover over the gentle waves of the sea.

 

Sighing, he turned away from the gaudy tableau. It resembled a commercial vid for Risa or some similar resort planet and even though his, at-times, hard shell hid a romantic heart, this was far too contrived for his taste. Still, he'd been told that the restaurant was good and so he was here, waiting for his date.

 

Waiting for Kathryn.

 

It seemed that waiting for this special woman had become the theme of his existence. Ever since she'd come into his life over seven years ago, he had been waiting for her. Throughout their journey through the Delta Quadrant and even after they'd been home, maybe even after they'd admitted they loved one other all those months ago at the homecoming banquet.

 

Their first coupling had been hard and fast on the floor of her hotel room and had left them both exhausted and with carpet burns. They'd waited for each other for so long that there had been no time for slow and gentle lovemaking.

 

It had been an extraordinary experience; however, the first days and weeks of their relationship had been rocky.

 

It wasn't unexpected, considering the strong and stubborn personalities involved and further complicated by their almost immediate separation.

 

Neither of them wished to be parted but Chakotay had planned a trip to Trebus to visit his sister who was due to have her second child and Kathryn had to stay at Starfleet Headquarters for a second round of debriefings.

 

In the end, the debriefings had only lasted three more days, instead of the predicted three weeks.

 

He would have waited for her, had he known.

 

The separation hadn't been easy for either of them. Chakotay would have loved to have Kathryn there with him; they'd seldom been apart for more than a few days in the last seven years and he missed her.

 

He'd travelled alone in the VIP quarters on some over-priced and overly-pretentious transport. He snorted, remembering the garishly expensive decor in his quarters.  It had felt ironic to him that he, a man who'd been a wanted criminal only a few years before was now travelling on one the most luxurious ships in the Alpha Quadrant, all under the favourable eye and at the expense of the Federation.

 

They had called him a hero and as such was afforded every indulgence.  

 

It hadn't helped to chase demons away though while lying alone in his double bed at night and, although he and Kathryn had talked via comm. channel on a daily basis, having her by his side would have been such a comfort when he'd found how his sister had changed.

 

He'd been shocked and intensely saddened when he'd realised how cold and distant she had become as a result of the Cardassian attacks. The memory of it still made his heart ache.

 

***

 

The dust clung to his clothes and the sun burned his skin as soon as he stepped from the transporter platform onto the parched ground that had once been his home. On this shadow of a planet also dwelled the shattered remains of his tribe. Only a few had been able to escape the initial Cardassian attack and even less had survived it.

 

Chakotay knew what to expect; the letters his sister had sent never glossed over the hardships of life on Trebus - the simple huts they called home and the dry land where they tried to nurture their meagre crops. Still, he couldn't contain the sense of devastation at the sight that met him. The land was in desperate need of water. The huts were merely wooden lean-tos held together by a handful of nails and a prayer. The children with big eyes who watched him go by hadn't laughed in a long time.

 

How could it be, he wondered. How could Starfleet have let this happen again? Hadn't his tribe suffered enough already?

 

No one had been there to greet him at the transporter station so he'd had to ask his way to his sister's home. The aversion and open hatred he was met with startled him and he was glad he'd chosen to travel in civilian clothes. Still, he couldn't hide who and what he was.

 

Trebus' long lost son had returned - the one who had abandoned them and sold his soul to Starfleet. He was home at last, only he had come too late.

 

‘We don't want you here,' his sister had said once he'd finally made it to her abode. And even now months later, her words sent a sharp pain to his heart.

 

‘But I can help'

 

‘No one can help us, we don't want any help. Please go.'

 

So, he left again and learned that Starfleet hadn't abandoned his tribe after all; it had been the tribe that had abandoned itself.

 

Chakotay had cried in Kathryn's arms once he was home again. Cried for his sister's broken soul, cried for his peoples' losses, cried for so much time wasted. He hadn't been ashamed of his tears. He knew that the woman who was holding him in her arms wouldn't love him any less because of them; she'd maybe love him more.

 

*****

 

The laughter of children broke into his thoughts and upon looking up, he saw two small boys chasing each other around the food-laden tables. Chakotay noticed several other guests glancing up from their dinner, glaring angrily at the carefree children.

 

Obviously, they felt the rambunctious pair was disturbing their meal, but Chakotay shook his head inwardly. Didn't they understand that children were their future? That children meant family? And that family meant everything?

 

Everything.

 

***

 

Snow crunched under his feet and Chakotay shoved his gloved hands deeper into his jacket pockets. Hunching his shoulders, he tried to keep the chatter of his teeth to a minimum. Damn, Indiana was cold in winter. No holodeck recreation had been able to prepare him for the real thing. Now he remembered why he used to spend his free time with his cousin in Arizona.

 

A deep throaty chuckle broke into his thoughts and he turned to the small woman walking next to him, likewise, clad in a thick jacket and gloves. The cold around them didn't seem to disturb her though; the contrary seemed to be the case. Her eyes shone and her cheeks had a healthy pink tinge.

 

He was sure his face was blue already, and Chakotay was certain his nose would fall off if he touched it and he had a horrible thought that he would never be able to feel it again.

 

Kathryn chuckled once more, and he raised a brow in question.

 

"You look like the Grinch who stole Christmas," she said, her voice muffled through the thick scarf that protected half her face.

 

"The Grinch?" He asked, unfamiliar with the name.

 

"Never mind, I'll explain later," she shook her head and stepped closer to him. 

 

He automatically pulled his hand out of his pocket and tugged her to his side, where she fit perfectly. This was something he would never grow tired of - having her beside him, her body pressed close to his. He'd waited so long.

 

Her voice was low and resonant. "I know you're freezing, but it was important to me to take this path home by foot. After seven years of being away, I didn't want to just transport into my mother's backyard. I want to see what's changed, what isn't here anymore and what's new.  For example, this house wasn't here before I left," she pointed at a small farmhouse, on the far side of the road. A small snowman stood in the front yard and as the wind caught the small twigs that were its arms, Chakotay could have sworn it was waving a greeting.

 

"And I want to see my mother's house slowly appear on the horizon," Kathryn added, pointing forward with her chin.

 

Looking up he saw the roof of what he would later discover was the grey-stone Janeway farmhouse. Unknowingly, Kathryn quickened her step, drawn to her childhood home, a treasured place that had been out of her reach for so long.

 

They quickly drew nearer to the house and Chakotay was soon able to see the whole building and its surrounding gardens.

 

The front door opened suddenly and an older woman stepped out onto the veranda. Although essentially a stranger to him, he had come to know her through the stories Kathryn had told him over the years. The door behind her swung open again and a child of approximately five years old sprang down the narrow steps and into the snow, followed by a barking dog.

 

They chased each other through the white; the dog jumping at the child, who suddenly lost balance and fell to the ground, followed by the dog.

 

They rolled and tumbled through the shallow drifts, oblivious that the front door had opened again and another female had joined the older one.

 

Unable to hold herself back any longer, Kathryn sprinted the last fifty meters until she was finally engulfed in the arms of her sister and mother.

 

Watching the joy and looks of love on all their faces, Chakotay knew he was home. At last.

 

***

 

The sharp words of the mother chastising her children broke him out of is reverie. Looking around him, he couldn't help but notice the satisfied smirks on the faces on some customers.

 

‘What fools they were,' he thought. Up until that day in Indiana, he'd never quite understood the uniqueness of Christmas. His tribe had never celebrated that special holiday and later at the Academy, surrounded by so many alien species, he never really noticed or cared about it.

 

On Voyager, he'd held himself back; making sure everyone who wanted was able to attend the Christmas parties on the holodeck.

 

He'd sit alone with Kathryn in her quarters and as she solemnly poured them each a drink, she would tell him about her family and how they celebrated the holidays.

 

The joy, the laughter, the gifts.

 

The love.

 

He'd sat there and nod in the right places; even placing a comforting hand on her knee once or twice but he'd never understood the depth of her yearning until he'd spent his first real Christmas with Kathryn's family in Indiana.

 

He'd never truly comprehended the joy until he'd experienced how it felt to be surrounded by family, playing games, cuddling in front of a fire or under the decorated tree, or simply being spoiled rotten by Kathryn's mother.

 

He'd lain awake that night, long after he'd slowly made love to Kathryn and, with her sleeping in his arms, thought what a lucky man he was.

 

****

 

The sound of breaking glass made him jump, and he watched a waiter rush to the table where a Bajoran woman had accidentally knocked her glass to the floor. Red wine splattered the stony ground like blood, and his mind rushed back to another evening, not so long ago.

 

 

***

 

 

Chakotay couldn't help but notice that she was late home from work.

 

Again.

 

He wasn't sure if it was the second or third time in two weeks. No, he shook his head as he angrily started to chop another carrot into tiny pieces, he knew exactly. It was the fourth time in two weeks that she was later than promised. It shouldn't have surprised or even angered him; he'd known her for years and knew how she worked, how driven she could be when she had her mind on the problem at hand. It was one of the reasons he'd fallen in love with her. He had to admit though, that he would have appreciated a quick comm. call or message.

 

She'd promised to help him prepare dinner, even though he was well aware that she didn't like to cook. She'd admitted to him once though that she liked to spend time with him in the kitchen, preparing a meal as they talked about their day.

 

Not that his days had been very eventful lately; he sighed, letting the knife sink. While Kathryn had been promoted to Admiral after returning to duty at the end of her leave, he still wasn't sure what to do with his future.

 

He was trying to decide whether to stay in Starfleet where some of the Admiralty were still wary of him or pursue something else. He knew that not everyone was happy with his and Kathryn's relationship. Once the whole ruckus and circus upon their return was over, questions had been raised over the nature of their liaison. Some rather nasty individuals had hinted that they'd shared a bed from the moment they'd been stranded in the Delta Quadrant. And others had imagined or concocted conspiracies, supposedly orchestrated by him and Kathryn.

 

Chakotay snorted. To think that people would even consider that they'd deliberately stranded their ships and crews in some far, hostile space, to continue a relationship away from the prying eyes of Starfleet was ludicrous in the extreme.

 

Kathryn had shrugged off the whole issue and instantly moved to other topics as soon as the reporters started to ask about the more personal aspects of her relationship her first officer. Both of them knew what had really occurred between them and the truth in her eyes was the only thing that mattered.

 

The sound of the front door opening and closing had broken into his thoughts and he looked over his shoulder to find Kathryn breezing into their apartment. Her eyes were alive and her face flushed, as if she'd run the whole way from Head Quarters to home. In truth though, he knew that she'd probably spent the whole day crawling through Voyager's belly with a bevy of technicans who were still trying to understand the changes the ship had gone through in the previous seven years. Even though she was an Admiral, they still weren't able to bind her to a desk. It seemed that Kathryn retained the ‘golden girl' status after all.

 

He turned around as she entered the kitchen and he smiled as she willingly stepped into his outstretched arms.

 

After pressing a hard kiss on his mouth, she pulled back slightly and playing with the short hair on the back of his neck, she murmured, "I missed you today,"

 

Her eyes wandered over his face; open wide as if in wonder and in amazement. At times like this, he couldn't help asking himself what she was thinking about. Just when it was on the tip of his tongue to do so, the dreamy expression suddenly vanished from her eyes and she seemed to snap back into the here and now.

 

"So what are we having for dinner?" She asked instead, turning to the kitchen counter.

 

"I thought vegetable lasagne," Chakotay said, grabbing the knife again to chop another carrot.

 

"Sounds good to me," Kathryn nodded, slipping out of her uniform jacket. "How about I have a quick shower and then help you?"

 

He nodded his answer and after giving him another chaste kiss on the cheek, she breezed out of the room before he even had a chance to utter a word.

 

She was back surprisingly fast, freshly showered and her face clear of any make-up. He watched her as she wordlessly took another knife and started to help him chop the rest of the vegetables.

 

He'd always loved when she wore little or no make-up, as it made her seem more carefree and natural.

 

She'd once admitted to him that she had sometimes used the make-up - and in the early days even the bun of steel - as a shield to protect her; something to put on each morning, to transform from Kathryn into the Captain.

 

 

He wasn't quite sure when the evening started to go wrong. Maybe it had already been on a downhill slide when he hadn't been able to snap out of his bad mood. Later he suspected that had been the reason he hadn't been able to hold back eventually, when she only wanted to do him good.

 

"I met James today," she said, shovelling another spoon of lasagne onto her plate. And despite knowing how sour the evening had turned out to be, he remembered how delighted he'd been to see that she'd acquired a healthier appetite over the few months they'd been home.

 

"James?" He asked, taking another bite of his own food.

 

"James Montgomery. I asked him..."

 

He sighed inwardly, before he interrupted her. "Kathryn, don't do that."

 

"Don't do what?" She looked up from her dish, raising one elegant eyebrow in question.

 

"You were about to tell me that you asked him if they'd decided on the teaching position yet, and I asked you not to do this for me. I'm a grown man and I don't want you begging at Starfleet for a job offer!" He sat the fork down more forcefully than he'd actually intended.

 

"Chakotay, I'm sorry that you feel that way but I know that you're getting more and more miserable each day stuck at home with nothing to do and I only want to..."

 

"I said stop it!" The pent up irritation and anger suddenly exploded out of him. "I'm not your pet dog, damn it! I can take care of myself; you can't train and mould me after your own wishes like you did Seven."

 

He didn't know what hurt her more, his raised voice, his words, or the poorly contained anger with which they were said.

 

At his sudden outburst, he watched the glass of red wine slip from her hand and fall to the floor and, as his gaze me hers, he instantly regretted his words.

 

Clear blue eyes stared back at him and for one second he wished she would yell at him or even throw her plate with the half-eaten dinner into his face; anything, as long as she would stop staring back at him with eyes filled with unshed tears.

 

He'd forgotten.

 

He'd forgotten that this was Kathryn he was dealing with. Not the Captain or the Admiral. They were tough, but not Kathryn, not the woman who'd been buried by rank all those years, the woman who'd slowly been able to make her appearance again after they'd arrived home.

 

Under the shell that was a Starfleet officer lay a vulnerable woman. Never had he anticipated how vulnerable she could be. So instead of giving him the dressing down he would have received on Voyager, she merely stood and after turning slowly, left the room.

 

"Kathryn, I'm sorry," he bolted around the table to follow her.

 

"Don't," she held up her hand to stop him from coming any closer to him. "I'll take a walk so we can both calm down and talk about this," she gestured to the room, them and their spoiled dinner before she turned and left the apartment.

 

He stood staring after her and jolted at the sound of the closing door. Torn between wanting to chase after her and acquiescing to her wishes, he heaved a weary sigh before turning back to the table and gathering up the dishes. Fifteen minutes later, after he'd cleaned up the mess he'd made, he noticed that she'd forgotten her coat.

 

 

***

 

 

He'd waited an hour for her to return, anxiously wandering through the empty rooms of the apartment and standing forlornly by the windows to look out over the city's lights.

 

Just as his worry was turning to frantic, she returned. She stood in the doorway, drenched from the rain outside and shivering from the cold. She looked like a child who had run away from home.

 

He'd wrapped his arms around her, holding her close, before gently guiding her to the bathroom where he filled the tub with hot water. Silently helping her out of her wet clothes, he crouched next the tub as she finally settled into the warmth of the water.

 

Without a word, he gently washed her, stroking her skin soothingly, to comfort rather than arouse, and several minutes later, when he had finished washing her hair, Kathryn broke the silence between them - her voice barely a whisper in the quiet.

 

"We need to talk about this."

 

And talk they did. As they opened their hearts and minds to one another, revealing secrets and confidences that they'd held inside them for years, part of him asked himself if they had ever really talked before. Nothing was left unsaid, no emotional stone unturned.

 

They argued, and then laughed, they screamed and cried. But later, as the sun began to rise, both of them had been cleansed of the emotional burdens they'd borne and hidden from each other for so long. The feeling was amazing. Both were free at last and ready for the life they were about to share.

 

******

 

He knew the exact moment she entered the terrace, even though the sound of her entering was swallowed by the conversations of the other guests. He just knew. He always had - from the first moment their paths crossed and that special bond had formed between them.

 

He turned to signal her, but he wasn't surprised that she was already halfway across the terrace making her way to his table. He stood when she reached him, and pressed a light kiss to the hollow of her neck before pressing another one to her lips.

 

"I'm sorry you had to wait, but Owen ...," she trailed off with a smile and a roll of her eyes.

 

Chakotay chuckled lightly. Still, after all these months of being home, the Admiralty and the Federation couldn't get enough of her. And how could he blame them? He felt the same way.

 

Smiling he cast a glance downwards to the golden band on his ring finger.

 

And as the sun finally slipped past the horizon and the seagulls ended their dance for the night, he couldn't help but think, what a lucky man he was.

 

The End

 

 

Chapter End Notes:
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
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