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I don't own any of this I just use it better than Paramount did ;)

Notes:  This is a prologue/companion piece to QS's story  Especially the Lies which can be found at http://quantuminexcess.webs.com/especiallythelies.htm

QS's was the original but I'm not the only one that was inspired to write something from it.  Nynaeve has a follow-up companion piece  Nothing but the Truth  which can be found at http://archiveofourown.org/works/277069


 

Establishing the Lie

They never touched me.

The thought is constant.

Because it’s a lie? 

No.  Nothing happened.  To me anyway.

The screams I hear…heard in the night weren’t mine.

Why would they be mine? 

They never touched me.

Then why does my throat ache? Why does it burn with that scorched feel of having rasped out a sound that I never want to hear myself make?

That’s easy…well, as easy as things get.  I did scream. Moments ago, when I was dreaming. But it was just that – a dream.  Post traumatic stress and all that.  When she woke me, Phoebe assured me that it’s perfectly normal given what I’ve so recently been through. 

Been through? 

They never touched me.

Even in the darkened bedroom of our childhood home, I could see the pity in her eyes. The doubt. 

She doesn’t believe me.

Then again, Phoebe has always had her own viewpoint on everything anyway. It shouldn’t bother me that she has her own beliefs about this too.

It shouldn’t.

Maybe she would think differently if I could explain to her what happened in greater detail, but it’s classified.  And she’s just a civilian.  I don’t know what more I would tell her anyway.

They never touched me.

It’s the biting Indiana night air that makes me shiver, not the thought.  I should go back inside since the cold is doing nothing for my headache.  So far, nothing has helped my headache.  My one real side-effect from the unfortunate mission.  Shuttle bulkheads and human skulls don’t play well with each other when slammed together, and serious concussions that go untreated have lingering side effects. 

Headaches.  Confusion.  Loss of memory. 

Although, since I was probably unconscious for a long period of time, I shouldn’t have that many memories to lose. 

And anything I do remember is probably suspect as I was most likely in an altered state of mind at the time. 

Probably.  Most likely.

They never touched me.

Regardless, the doctors assure me that the headaches will fade in time. As will the nightmares. 

Anytime now would be nice. 

I should go back inside.  Phoebe may not have followed me out here, but I know she’s lying awake, listening for me to make my way back to bed. 

But the thought of facing those dreams again has me hesitating. 

They never touched me.

That’s what the medical scans showed.  No devices or implants on my body.  None of the usual signs of assault, save for my head wound, which Admiral Paris indicated happened prior to our capture.  I was dehydrated and showed slight signs of exposure.  That was all.  Nothing to be overly concerned about.

Unless, of course, my captors have medical technology more advanced than our own.

The device they used to torture Admiral Paris suggests they could have. 

They never touched me.

And I believe that.

Most of the time.

It’s only in those moments just after waking that it’s difficult to believe. 

When I can still feel the bruising grip of fingers digging into my skin, or when that leathery, scaly touch slides across my chest and I wake batting away invisible hands that aren’t really there…those are the times it’s difficult to believe. 

A few times in sleep I’ve felt the searing pain of sensitive tissues tearing against unwelcome intrusion…a few times I’ve woken screaming.  On those occasions, like tonight, it’s almost damned impossible to believe. 

Almost.

They never touched me.

But it’s what I choose to believe. 

It’s what I will believe. 

Even if I have to convince myself of it every day. 

The first rays of sunrise are streaking across the sky.  No reason to go back to bed now.

Many hours from now, when I lie down to go to sleep tonight and later when I wake abruptly from that sleep…that will be soon enough to convince myself once again that I believe.

They never touched me.

 



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