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Just an idea I had while sitting in the train...

Setting: 10 months post-endgame

 

Disclaimer: Voyager belongs to Paramount, but they had their chance and blew it... this timeline and the beach house belong to me ;) 

„Happy new year, Kathryn“ the voice of Voyager’s former first officer Chakotay whispered in her ear and startled the woman who stood staring out of the window into the dark winter night. He had found her in this corner of the ballroom where Starfleet celebrated their annual New Year’s Eve party. She had tried to hide from the brass when the admirals and guests hadn’t let her gain her breath or find a moment for herself for the whole evening. Still, after all these months that Voyager was home, she felt as if she was the most celebrated and most wanted person in the whole quadrant.

 

Starfleet had promoted her to Admiral right after the debriefings that had followed Voyager’s return had been finished, and now showed her around. She had become their new ‘Golden Girl’, everybody wanted to see her, talk to her or take pictures. The losses of the Dominion War were great, and Starfleet thought that she was the right person to give the people hope for the future. She had made possible what had seemed to be impossible, had reached the unreachable. She had brought her crew home from the other side of the galaxy, had defeated the Hirogen and the Borg. She was the perfect choice to distract the people, so that ‘Fleet had the much needed time to rebuild their good image, as less and less young people found their way to San Francisco to become cadets and more planets decided that it was time to leave the Federation.

Her life had been reduced to travelling the quadrant, giving interviews to annoying reporters who all asked the same questions or talking to angry people who wanted to know why their children had died during the war, or when the help Starfleet had promised send to repair the damage the war had caused on their home worlds would arrive.

This evening, the last one of the year, would also be the last official function Admiral Kathryn Janeway would attend. She simply couldn’t do it any more. Kathryn had spent seven years apart from earth, her mother and sister, had been responsible for the life’s of her crew and finally had also lost the man she loved to the woman she considered her daughter. And for what? She came home to a battle-scarred Federation that was slowly falling apart and that sent her through the whole quadrant. She hadn’t seen her family and friends in months.

Kathryn desperately needed time for herself, she wanted to spend lazy afternoons with her mother, lying on the grass in the garden of her childhood home. Shopping tours with her sister…she wanted to sit in the branches of her tree and listen to the wind whispering through the leaves. And then there was Lake George. She wanted to repair her father’s sailboat, take off the shore and watch the sunset. It would be her private way of reconnecting with this planet. Once, she had dreamt to do these things together with Chakotay, but he had left the ship with a young blonde clinging to his arm. She would have to do them alone.

 

And now he was here and handed her a glass of champagne like he had done countless times before. “Chakotay, what a surprise to see you here!” Kathryn managed to say. After all, this was the corner of the room farest away from music, light and laughter and she stood behind a large plant with her back to the others. No one had been supposed to find her. That had been the reason in the first place. “Why do you hide here?” Chakotay wanted to know. “The plan was that nobody would find me here.” She answered with a wry grin and accepted the glass with the sparkling liquid. “Too many Admirals around there who want to dance and ask stupid questions about the ‘glorious things’ I did while in the Delta quadrant. They haven’t made a command decision out there for years, but want to give me a lecture on how I should have better handled this or that situation. They’re getting on my nerves. On top of that, every time I danced with one of these old men, their hands kept wandering down my back. I could have killed Phoebe for making me wear this stupid dress tonight…” Her eyes were blazing with anger when Chakotay started to chuckle. “That’s not funny, Mister.” She glared at him, which only resulted in more chuckling and a dimpled smile from her former first officer. “But this dress is beautiful. You are beautiful, Kathryn.” He smiled warmly at her. The small woman blushed, but smiled and whispered a thanks. He hadn’t given her compliments like that while they had been on the ship, she had been his commanding officer. And now he shouldn’t do it because he was with Seven. Thinking about that, her smile faded. She averted her gaze from his face and looked outside into the night where the snowflakes were falling silently. They covered the world and hid every detail. Sharp edges were transformed into soft curves. Kathryn wished that the sharp pain that shot through her heart when she thought about Chakotay being with Seven would also be covered and transformed by the snow. Maybe then, her pain would go away. All she had to do was to leave the room and walk away…the snow would erase her footprints…it would cover her body like a blanket…so easy to leave and forget…

Kathryn was abruptly pulled out of her thoughts by Chakotay’s hand on her shoulder. He must have sensed or seen something in her face according to his concerned look.  “Kathryn? Are you okay?” His eyes bore into hers. Brown met blue. His hand burned on the naked flesh of her shoulder, his view held hers. Their faces drifted together, nearer and nearer. Merely a second before their lips would have met, Kathryn backed away. She gazed at the man standing in front of her with tears in her eyes. Why did he do this to her? He was with Seven. Out of her reach. He shouldn’t try to kiss her hiding in a dark corner with half of Starfleet Command in the same room when he wasn’t a free man. More tears gathered in Kathryn’s eyes when she took a step backwards, away from him and put the glass on the windowsill. His hand lost contact with her shoulder when he didn’t follow her. She felt the loss, her skin tingled where he had touched it…

“We can’t do this.” she whispered and shook her head. As much as it would break her heart again to leave, she had to. “Kathryn…” he looked miserable. “Please…don’t go. Let me explain…” “No, Chakotay” she answered while making another step backwards. “I have to go now before I do something we’ll both regret later. As much as I wish…”

“What do you wish for, Kathryn?” he interrupted softly. “Tell me.” “No…it doesn’t matter and it won’t make any difference. Nothing would change. It’s impossible for my wish to come true. You have your life to live and I have mine. Well, I have what’s left of it.” she answered and turned away from him to walk back to the other people. She had managed to make two steps when Chakotay’s voice stopped her. “I won’t give up, Kathryn! I love you. And I know that you have at least some feelings for me, too. We’ve made a promise, remember?”    

Kathryn stopped dead in her tracks, took a calming breath and turned back to him. He hadn’t moved, still stood at the same place, next to the window where she had left him. Two glasses of champagne stood next to each other on the windowsill. She glared at him. “’I won’t give up’? What the hell is that supposed to mean?!” Chakotay didn’t move and stated calmly “It’s simple. Just what I said. I love you. I want to be with you. I want to fall asleep at night holding you in my arms and wake up next to you.” “And how exactly did you plan to make this work? I won’t be your mistress, and I would never come in between you and Seven. So stop thinking about this nonsense. You’ve made your bed when you left with her, now lie in it.” Tears threatened to fall while Kathryn turned away once more. Surely she had now destroyed the most wonderful friendship she had ever had. But she wouldn’t want to live with herself if she would become involved with her former first officer and be the reason for him leaving Seven. No, it was better that way. She would clearly miss him terribly, but that was just another price she’d have to pay. One more nail in her coffin. It was time to make her excuses and leave the festivities. Time to go home.

She was just starting to say goodbye to Admiral Paris when a warm hand grabbed hers from behind.

“If you’ll excuse us, please, I haven’t had the chance to dance with this lovely Admiral here all evening.” Chakotay smiled nonchalantly and guided her away from the old man. Kathryn was furious. How dared he to come after her and snatch her away right from under the nose of her old mentor? “What are you doing?” she hissed between clenched teeth when the tall Indian led her to the dance floor and started to swirl them around to the soft music. His hand on the small of her back seemed to burn right through the dress and his other held hers. He chuckled when her rigid stance melded against his body against her will which brought them closer together and earned him another glare. “I am dancing with you. And I really hate to tell you my love, but it isn’t really polite to walk away while being in the middle of a conversation.” “It wasn’t in the middle of a conversation. It was the end, Chakotay. Everything that should have been said, I told you. I was finished, so I left. And don’t call me ‘my love’.” she answered while looking everywhere but his face. He stopped her wandering gaze by freeing his hand from hers to tilt her chin upwards. She had to look him in the eyes. “It wasn’t finished, Kathryn. You walked away without letting me complete my little speech. And I call you ‘my love’ because you are. You are the one I love. You. And no other.” He looked serious when he continued. “Don’t ever doubt that I love you, Kathryn. My heart belongs to you, you have brought peace to this Angry Warrior.” Kathryn gave him a small smile, but too soon she turned serious again. “Chakotay…what about Seven? I meant what I said earlier, I won’t be the cause of the failure of your relationship.” Now it was Chakotay’s turn to smile. “We never had a relationship, Kathryn. How could we? My heart was already given away years ago, so how could I possibly loose it to Seven? And besides, she’s half my age and something like a daughter for you…” The woman in his arms looked confused. “But…you left the ship together…and Admiral Janeway told me…” “What did she say to you?” Chakotay interrupted. Kathryn looked away again and whispered “She told me you married Seven. And that she died in your arms – three years after that. You were never the same after that. And neither was she. So what could I do? I saw you standing next to her on the bridge when we returned home, you left the ship together and later on, Tom Paris told me that the two of you had been seen sitting together in the messhall quite often. I assumed that you had finally moved on and were happy with her.” He turned her face back to him and kissed her temple. “Kathryn…my poor Kathryn…I’m so sorry…but I don’t know why that bitter old woman would tell you such a thing. It’s true, I was meeting with Seven, but only in my position as the ship’s counsellor. She was scared by the thought of returning to earth so soon, of meeting her aunt and other people besides the crew. After all, she was Borg. She wanted advice. I was with her when she and her aunt talked for the first time via the MIDAS array and when we returned home later, she asked if I could accompany her to their first meeting. She needed a friend. I brought her to her aunt and sat with them while the two women found a connection to each other due to their shared past. It seems to be that Seven spent a lot of her childhood summer’s with the old lady. When I felt that Seven was comfortable enough, I made my excuses and left them to meet you. But by the time I returned to the ship, you were already gone. I left a note that I would be staying with my cousin and how you could contact me, but you never called. I tried so often to meet you for a coffee or lunch during the debriefings, but Starfleet told me we had to stay away from each other to avoid a consultation of our statements. And when all this craziness was over and the date for the ‘welcome home’ ball had been released, nobody knew where to find you. I tried to contact you at your mother’s home in Indiana, but nobody was there. You had simply vanished. And when even Admiral Paris couldn’t or wouldn’t tell me where to find you and Seven came and asked if I could pick her and her aunt up for the ball, I accepted. There’s nothing going on between us.”

“You couldn’t find me because I didn’t want to be found. Especially by those nasty reporters who beleaguered our house. I packed my things and mom and I went to Betazed to visit Phoebe and her family. We returned on the day of the ball. And when I saw you entering with Seven and her aunt on each arm, I assumed that the admiral had told the truth. So I didn’t come to you that evening as I had planned.” She sobbed with tears streaming down her face.

“Let’s get out of here.” Chakotay murmured in her ear and directed them to the doors. “We need some privacy. And you have ruined your makeup, love.” That comment earned him a punch against his arm, but he had achieved what he wanted: Kathryn was silently laughing again. “Very charming, Chakotay. You’re so nice to me…” she added ironically. They walked through the entrance and found an empty hovercar that would bring them to Chakotay’s home outside the city. The small white wooden house sat on a small hill with the beach starting behind the garden. The next neighbour was several miles away, only nature surrounded the building. “It’s beautiful.” Kathryn whispered while she stood in awe, listening to the sound of the waves. “When I first saw this house, it reminded me of you. It stands alone, distanced from the others. But the beauty of nature surrounds it: the trees, the beach…even the stars seem to be closer. So I bought it. Seven years of back pay and being a celebrity really has its advantages.” he explained. Kathryn’s gaze was glued to the full moon that hung above them in the star-glittered sky, now free of clouds. “For you and the others, maybe. But for me…no, there were no advantages. I was showed around, sometimes I thought that Starfleet wanted the symbol, not the person. I became something like an icon for them, something to could turn to when needed and put away when you had enough. They weren’t really interested in me, only in the things I had accomplished.” She lowered her gaze and looked at the face of her friend. “I resigned today. I’ve had enough. I gave this organisation more than twenty years of my life. Now I want to live.” Chakotay was a little shocked by her confession, but recovered quickly and gave her a dimpled smile. “Congratulations, Kathryn. So, what will you do now with your new gained freedom?” She gave him a crooked grin. “What about starting it with you showing me your house, Chakotay? Only if you want to, of course.” she added hastily when he didn’t react at first.

Chakotay’s answer was to lift her up in his arms and, after tapping in some commands at the door, carry her over the threshold. Kathryn giggled the whole way into the living room, where her former first officer sat her gently down on the couch. “I can walk, you know.” she mentioned dryly when her feet touched the floor again. “I know that you are able to walk Kathryn.” he answered. “But I wanted to carry you over the threshold of my home.” She looked confused. “Why?” Again Chakotay smiled softly. “Just because. Now, do you want something to drink? A glass of champagne or some wine? I noticed you haven’t really touched the glass I brought you at the party.”

The woman sitting on his couch nodded. “Champagne, please. But only one glass. I had to toast with at least twenty Admirals. Even though I only sipped at each glass they gave me, I feel a little lightheaded.” One close look at her confirmed her self-analysis. Her cheeks were a little flushed and her eyes shone brightly. Chakotay went to the replicator, but changed his mind halfway, entered his kitchen and came back with a green bottle and two glasses. His former captain sitting on the sofa was astonished. “Chateau Picard? You brought the real stuff?! I recognize the label.” He grinned sheepishly and tugged at his earlobe. “Yes. After all, this is a special occasion.” Adding a little pressure, the cork flew out of the bottleneck, bounced off the ceiling and flew into a corner. Laughing, Chakotay poured them each a good amount of the alcoholic liquid and flopped down on the couch next to his guest. They clinked glasses. “Let’s make a toast.” the Indian started. “Okay. Go ahead.” came the reply. “ “Hmh…let’s see…to Voyager and her crew…to her Captain, who held her promise and brought us all home nearly ten months ago…to being here today, together…to you, love of my life.” “Yes.” Kathryn whispered and continued “and to you, the best First Officer a Captain could ever wish for…the best friend I’ve ever had…I wouldn’t be here without you. I love you.” They both sipped and sat in comfortable silence, listening to each other’s breath and the waves rolling up the shore. Chakotay laid his arm around her, her head rested on his shoulder. Kathryn held her glass in front of her eyes and watched the bubbles on their way up towards the surface of her drink. She was mesmerized by these little perfect figures, each one neatly lined after the other… They followed their path, predestined by physical laws and unable to delay their end they lived a whole life inside her glass: birth at the bottom, growing up while floating upwards and finally dying when they reached the surface. The tiny bubbles exploded and their gaseous contents were set free into the atmosphere. Kathryn took another sip and felt the pearls tickling on her tongue. “What are you thinking about?” Chakotay asked with a hushed voice. “Mhm?” she seemed to be a million miles away. “Oh, nothing. I just watched the bubbles.” Kathryn answered and put her glass down on the wooden surface of the table. She got rid of her shoes and snuggled closer to Chakotay, who had also left his drink on the table to hold her close. He watched amused as her eyelids grew heavier with each passing minute and finally closed. She would be fast asleep if he didn’t move her soon…but selfishly he allowed himself a few more minutes of uninterrupted bliss while he held the woman of his dreams in his arms. He could sit with her like this forever…lowered lights, the sea outside…and Kathryn’s soft snoring. He loved it when she was totally relaxed around him. While still on the ship, it had only happened a few times that Kathryn had fallen asleep on his sofa in the middle of reading a report after one of their countless working dinners. He had fetched a blanket and one of his own pillows, and after removing her shoes and jacket, had tucked her in. But she had always been gone in the morning.

And now…they were home. She wasn’t his captain any more, no need to creep out of one of their quarters in the early hours of the morning, hoping that no-one had seen them and worrying what the crew might think. They were free and they were here, together at last. But as sad as it was, he had to wake her. “Hey sleepyhead…wake up…” he shook her gently. No answer. She came even closer and turned around so that her head was now pillowed on his chest, her red hair sprawled around her face. He grinned and shook her again. “Hey…Kathryn…wake up…” “Uh-uh.” She shook her head, but didn’t open her eyes. “C’mon love, you’ll have to get up…we aren’t as young as we used to be, we can’t sleep here on the sofa.” When he got other reaction than her snoring, he changed his voice from the hushed tones he had used until now into command mode and shouted “Red Alert! Captain to the bridge!”

She was awake and on her feet before he had finished, but instead of being on a starship during a battle, she found herself in Chakotay’s living room with the owner still sitting on the sofa, flashing his dimples at her. “Chakotay!! That wasn’t funny!” she growled and tried to glare at him. She failed miserably, broke into fits of laughter and flopped down next to him. “I did it again, didn’t I? I fell asleep on your couch.” He chuckled. “Yep. And here I thought I was good company.” She became instantly serious and reached for his hands. “Chakotay…you are good company. It’s just that I’m so tired…I didn’t sleep very well these last months. I miss the feeling of sleeping on a ship that travels with warp speed, the hum of the engines always told me that we took step after step in the direction of our destination. It’s too damn quiet here. On Voyager, I could lie awake in my bed and watch the stars above my head…my apartment here is directly next to the campus, always too much light at night…I can’t even see the stars! And always meetings, answering the same questions over and over again…I felt I had transformed into a robot. That’s why I resigned. I knew I had to stop going on like that or else it would have destroyed me.” She yawned. “Sorry…I really am tired. I should go now so you can go to bed as well.” She made attempts to put on her high-heeled shoes, but Chakotay’s soft voice stopped her. “Stay.” Kathryn turned her head. “You’re sure?” He nodded affirmingly. “Okay.” The smile that lit his face when he heard her words was worth everything she had endured in the last months. Chakotay stood up and held his hand out to her. “Come on. Let’s get you to bed. I’m afraid though that we’ll have to share... I don’t have a guest room and this couch is too small for either of us.” Kathryn smiled in return. “That’s no problem. Really. Wouldn’t be the first time we sleep in close proximity. And at least it’s not on a rock floor with a snoring Talaxian right next to us.” Chakotay chuckled as he remembered their time on Hanon V where Seska and the Kazon had left the crew. Kathryn had given them a lecture on the importance of the survival drills, including the sharing of body heat at night. Wanting to set a good example, she had grabbed his hand and cuddled up with him in a corner of their rock shelter. He had had a hard time fighting his body’s reaction to her close proximity, but had immensely enjoyed holding the small woman in his arms.

Meanwhile, they had climbed the stairs to the first floor and reached Chakotay’s bedroom. The first thing Kathryn saw upon entering was the huge window that covered the wall overlooking the ocean. “Wow. This is amazing” she whispered and went to watch the moon and the stars glittering in the night. The calm sea and the snow-covered land reflected their light and bathed everything in a soft silver glow. Chakotay came to stand beside her. “Since I bought this house, I stood here every single evening and watched the sunset, hoping that someday, you’d be standing beside me. And now that you’re here, it’s already dark.” Kathryn turned her head to him. “I’ll be here tomorrow evening.” She whispered. “And if you’ll have me, every day after that.” Leaning closer, Chakotay put his arms around her and drew her into his embrace. “I’d like that. I’d like that very much.”

Together they stood and watched the sea. The new year would be good.

 

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