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"Kathryn, just where in the hell are you?" I ask myself as I check the tricorder again. Her street must be the most secluded one in Old North Beach.

Have to admit, I was surprised to learn that she’d traded the Marin high-rise --- a senior officer’s perk -- for a row house here. Then again, I’ve passed at least a half-dozen coffeehouses, not to mention restaurants, since I left the transporter station. I think I see the appeal.

Actually, she could be on Breen, and I would have tracked her down. There’s something I need to know ….

***

On the way home from that nightmare with the Changeling – and Moset -- I saw Harry and Tom huddled over something in the mess hall, but didn’t think much about it until I heard a snippet of their conversation.

"Beats me," Tom said. "She hasn’t said anything to B’Elanna. Maybe the guy was just her escort to the party. "

Harry shrugged. "Maybe. My mom seems to think there’s something to it. She sent a note with it saying they made a handsome couple."

Tom laughed. "Maybe your mom just wants to play matchmaker."

 

Somehow, I knew who they were talking about. Back in my quarters, I searched the recent news reports: There it was: A photo of Kathryn at some university reception, looking radiant in emerald green. At her side was a dark-haired, middle-aged man; another Fleet officer, the caption said. The photographer had caught them in conversation, and it was obvious they were enjoying each other’s company … maybe a bit too much.

That photo just crystallized a truth I’d been ignoring for a while: I’d been a fool.

I’d meant it when I said that I’d given up. Kathryn Janeway is the most remarkable woman I know. But loving her while we both distracted ourselves with other people, or holograms, had become much too painful.

That night at her apartment, I had no idea that she was going to offer me Voyager, and herself in the bargain. And I blew it.

In my shock, I got the cockeyed idea that the Fleet would decide that I’d been given Voyager because I was the Admiral’s boyfriend. I’d already seen enough smirks, not to mention snubs, to know that my return wasn’t going to be smooth. But I’d forgotten that Kathryn doesn’t operate that way; she’d probably phaser anyone who suggested anything improper. Instead, I threw her overture back at her.

I didn’t realize just how much I’d hurt her until the commissioning ceremony. She looked at me after transferring the command codes, and for just a moment, I could see the pain in her eyes. Then the command mask slipped back, and we spent the reception on opposite sides of the room

And since that day, every time I meditate, I hear her voice saying, "I never gave up."

***

 

Kathryn’s house is at the end of the block; nothing special, though it has a corner yard with a tall, wrought-iron fence. I tap the buzzer, only to be answered by a muffled yapping that makes me laugh. I should have known there was a dog involved.

The yaps were quieted by a muffled, but very familiar voice: "All right Cassie. Good girl!" The door opened to reveal Kathryn holding a small, golden pup, her hand firmly grasping its collar. For a half-second, we both stood there, equally stunned. Then, "Chakotay!" she breathed, and in a moment, I was enveloped in a hug, a squeaking pup squashed between us.

We separated quickly, laughing. "Sorry, puppy," Kathryn said as she put the dog down, then grabs my hand and pulls me inside. "I hadn’t heard you’d been released," she says. "I was going to check in on you next week."

"I got the doctor to spring us a little early," I reply as I take a long look at her. I hadn’t noticed before, but she’s put on a bit of weight, erasing that haggard look I’d come to know. And the black cashmere tunic she’s wearing -- complete with dog hair -- nicely accentuates her new curves.

"Come on in," she says, ushering me to the patio as the pup padded along. From what I can see, the house looks cozy enough; I glimpse one of her paintings near the door. She points to a chair, then ducks into the kitchen, leaving me to scratch the retriever’s head.

"I thought you’d have another setter, one of Molly’s pups," I say when she returns with two mugs. She shrugs. "Would you believe it? No puppies right now. I found Cassie through a friend."

"How long have you been here?" I ask, trying to keep things casual.

"About a month. It’s easier to have her here than in the apartments." She laughs. "And you’ve seen the coffeehouses."

"I have. And you still drink too much of that stuff."

She just gives me a mischievous look and takes a sip from the mug.

Not quite ready to start my speech, I nod toward a shelf holding several flowerpots. "Are you gardening again?"

She half-glances toward them. "Oh, just some herbs, lettuce …."

"Does that mean you’re cooking?" I ask. Maybe she’s changed more than I realized.

She gives me a "You’ve got to be kidding" look and laughs. "Well, believe it or not, I can assemble a salad," she retorts.

Her good mood aside, I can tell that this is awkward for her .. hell, it is for me, too. Maybe it’s time to put things right.

 

"Kathryn," I begin, reaching for her hand. "I’m sorry about what happened …."

"I’m sorry, too, Chakotay," she interjects, returning my squeeze. "I shouldn’t have started it."

"No, you should have," I answer, but Kathryn suddenly pulls back, distracted by a noise I can’t place. The pup hears it too; she yips in response and bounces inside.

It occurs to me then; the front door has opened. An unfamiliar male voice echoes from inside: "Hi, Cassie! Where’s mom?"

"Out here," Kathryn, smiling, calls to the voice. A few footsteps, and a dark-haired man holding a grocery bag appears in the doorway. Correction: The dark-haired man from the news image.

"Oh, hello, I didn’t realize we had company," Mr. Dark Hair says as he deposits the bag on the table; my stomach sinks as I realize who the real cook is ….

Kathryn was on her feet, moving to stand next to him. Involuntarily, I stand, too.

"Jack, this is Chakotay. Chakotay, this is Jack Herrick. … Captain Jack Herrick." Her voice is fairly neutral, but she can’t hide the affection in her eyes as she looks at him.

"Captain, it’s nice to meet you," Herrick says, holding out his hand. His voice is friendly, but I think I see a flash of warning in his eyes.

Our handshake complete, Herrick slips his left hand into the small of Kathryn’s back, further declaring his territory. "I’m happy to see you back safely; you gave Kathryn some sleepless nights."

"And just how the hell would you know that?" I ask silently, though the slight flush that creeps onto Kathryn’s face made the answer pretty clear.

"I’m fine. I just wanted to thank Kathryn for her help."

Herrick nods, then leans in to quickly murmur in Kathryn’s ear … " we’re expected," floats out at me.

Kathryn winces. "Oh, right," she says. "Chakotay, we’re meeting friends for lunch shortly. Why don’t you come with us? This place makes wonderful eggplant dishes."

Herrick looks a bit surprised, but recovers nicely. "Yes, please come. We’re meeting some other Fleet folks; I’m sure they’d like to meet you."

Right now, I’m not sure I could sit through lunch. "I can’t, thank you," I say, "I want to get back to my sister."

"Is she all right?" Kathryn asks, concerned.

"She’s fine," I say as I begin moving toward the door. Kathryn followed me out. I’m actually surprised that Herrick stayed behind.

"We still need to talk about this," Kathryn begins.

"Another time," I try to say pleasantly, but inside, I know the truth: It doesn’t matter what we say. I have my answer. For the hell of it though, I nod toward the kitchen and ask: "I take it this is serious?"

I’m not sure how to read Kathryn’s reaction. Her eyes flash anger, then something that looks like regret. But the clouds clear quickly and are replaced with a warmth that I know isn’t directed at me. "Yes, Chakotay, it is," she says.

I want to tell her that I’m happy for her, but I can’t get the words out. "I didn’t mean to barge in on you," I finally say. "I wanted to thank you for helping us."
She lays her hand on my arm in an achingly familiar gesture. "I couldn’t let anything happen to you."

I just kiss her cheek and leave before she can say anything else.

****

 

Sekaya looks up in surprise as I walk into our quarters. "I thought you were going to spend the afternoon with Admiral Janeway. Wasn’t she home?"

"She was," I say quietly. "But she had other plans."

-fin-

 

 

 

 

 

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