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Author's Chapter Notes:

This borrows from the events of "Enemy of My Enemy" and "Spirit Walk."

I slip out of the bedroom, quietly closing the door behind me.

Cassie whines as I come into the room. "Shh," I whisper as I sit next to her on the couch. The pup just yawns and stretches her head into my lap.

I smile as I note her chosen bed; at least Jack doesn’t whine about dog hair.

Jack’s apartment is on the 20th floor of this high rise, and commands a spectacular night view. Even at this hour, shuttles streak by, their lights flashing across the sky…

The view, however, isn’t why I’m out here. Worry is.

Chakotay is missing.

It’s been a long 36 hours since I got the message from Harry, telling me something was very wrong on Voyager, and with its captain.

It took some arguing with the security folks, but we finally sent the Klaamath to intercept. Harry was right. Chakotay wasn’t himself. "He" was a shapeshifter; so was his sister. But where were they?

When we finally figure it out, we realize there are no ships close enough to rescue them. So Tom Paris, the only Starfleet officer in range, has left B’Elanna and Miral to go after them, with Voyager and the Klaamath following close behind.

So finally, the plan is in place.

And all I can do is wait.

***

"Go home, Kathryn," Owen Paris told me hours earlier. "Tom can contact you there just as easily as your office. Besides, I suspect it will be a while."
"It will, "I agreed. "But I can’t help but think there’s something more I can do."

Owen just smiled. "If there is, it will present itself, I’m sure."

"Tom will come through," I told him, though it was more to reassure myself.

"I know. I have faith in him," Owen said, patting my shoulder, "and I have you to thank for that."

****

Actually, I half-took Owen’s advice. I went to the rec building and took my frustrations out on the Klingons in my workout program.

I didn’t dally too long, though; Cassie’s not completely house trained. When I get home, we take a walk, but she’s the only one who feels better. On our return, I try to nap, but I can’t relax. All I can go is stalk around this empty house, watched by a very puzzled golden retriever.

Finally, it sinks in: I can’t do this alone. I don’t have to do this alone.

So I sit at my console and key in a familiar code.

Jack’s holding his uniform coat, meaning that he’s just arrived home.

"Hi!" he says with the grin that makes my stomach flop. Then he sobers. "Any word?"

I shake my head, and get to the point. "Look, I’m not doing so well," I admit. "I’m probably lousy company, but I could use some."

"You’re always good company," he says softly. "You and Cassie come over; I’ll start dinner."

****

I wasn’t sure I could eat, but I surprised myself. Besides, Jack makes a darn good pasta primavera. After dinner, he suggested we take Cassie for another walk. Actually, I suspect he didn’t want me wearing holes in his carpet.

So we walked the neighborhood, my hand in his, talking off and on. We finally stopped at a cafe, to ward off the chill and give Cassie a break.

"I’m sorry," I say, looking up into the darkening sky. "I hate not being in control of things."

"I’ve noticed," he said dryly, ignoring my dirty look.

"For some reason, I feel like I should have been there."

He looks at me over his cup. "Survivor’s guilt?"

I chuckle. "Maybe. He’s in trouble, and I’m here drinking coffee." I shrug. "Maybe I could have done something."

Jack puts down his cup and rests his chin on his hand. "Depends. Do you think he’s incompetent?"

The question takes me by surprise. Actually, it irritates me. "Of course not. Do you think I’d let him have Voyager?"

He just smiles gently. "Then what makes you think you could have prevented this?"

To be frank, the idea stuns me. "I don’t know. Maybe I would have ….." I shake my head in surrender. "All right .. I don’t know."

He picks up his coffee again. "Kathryn, we both know that bad things happen out there. And from what I hear, Chakotay should be able to handle anything." He paused. "It’s possible that you could have prevented this. It’s also possible that they would have grabbed you, too."

"So you’re saying I should be happy I wasn’t kidnapped?" I retort.

"Well, to put it selfishly, I certainly am," he says as I suddenly feel his fingers feather against my ribs, then burrow into my most ticklish spot.

"Stop that!" I laugh as I twist away from his gentle assault. He leans in, and his mouth slides over mine, soft and warm; I accept it gratefully.

****

It’s dark when we get back. Poor Cassie is tuckered out; Jack carried her the last few blocks.

He gently lays her on the floor, then captures me in his arms before I could start pacing again. "I have an idea on how you can expend that excess energy," he teases as he carries me into the bedroom.

****

I slept for a few hours afterwards, finally relaxed enough to forget. But eventually, the worry and fear crept back into my mind.

So here I sit, contemplating the irony: I’ve been driven out of one man’s bed by my fears for another man’s safety.

Jack’s question though, has forced me to take another look at myself. I’ve been conveniently blaming this on my need to control things, my need to keep mothering my crew. The truth is, there’s more to it. And as I stare at the lights outside, I finally admit it: it’s regret.

Chakotay and I haven’t really spoken since that ill-fated dinner. We stood together during Voyager’s command ceremony but kept a discreet distance during the reception.

I put my head back and sigh. Just another thing to add to the pile of guilt I already carry …..

"Kat …." Jack’s voice breaks into my thoughts. He walks in, hair mussed, robe half knotted. He takes my offered hand and allows me to pull him onto the couch, to Cassie’s annoyance.

"Did I wake you?" I ask, and laugh as he answers with a yawn.

"No, I just missed you." He shakes the sleep away and looks at me with concern. "Can’t sleep?"

"Just thinking," I say.

He cups the side of my face, his fingers tangling in my hair. "Kat, sweetheart, what’s going on?" His blue eyes darken. "This isn’t just survivor’s guilt, or you wanting to control the game. What aren’t you telling me?"

I realize how generous he’s been in indulging my mood tonight. He’s not mentioned my ties to Chakotay since the night of the picnic; I suppose he thought the matter was settled when I came to him. My behavior tonight probably has given him second thoughts.

So what should I tell him? That if the worst happens, I'll always have regrets about Chakotay. No, that's better left unsaid, especially the parts about what I would regret.

I cover his hand with mine. "I’ve been sitting here wondering why I’m feeling so guilty," I begin, trying to frame the words so he’d understand. "Things ended badly when we … settled things. We haven’t found a way to be friends again."

I snort at my own words, to Jack’s puzzlement. "We should have had enough practice," I explain. "Enough happened out there to make our friendship very awkward at times. We got over it."

"I think this is different," Jack allows. "It’s certainly more personal."

"It is," I admit. "And I’m afraid we’ll never have the chance to get past this."

"They’ll find him," he replies.

I smile, and realize just how comforting it is to be here with him. Mother was right, it seems. I sigh and cuddle against his chest. "You were right about my being kidnapped, you know."

"How’s that?" he asks lazily, as his hands stoke up my spine.

"I’m selfishly very glad I wasn’t, either…"

He laughs. "I’m glad we agree," he whispers as his hands work at the knot of my robe. "But if you’re still awake, I obviously didn’t do a good enough job of distracting you …."

***

The chirp of the console burrows into my sleep. Gently I slip out of Jack’s embrace and pull on my robe as I slide out of the room.

I squint at the screen; if it’s for Jack, I’ll let it go. But it’s not. "To Adm. K. Janeway, from Lt. Com. T. Paris."

I hit the button before he gives up, and he and Harry come into view, both grinning like fools at the sight of me in night attire. I probably do look mussed; Jack did a very through job of distracting me this time.

"Sorry to wake you, Admiral," Tom says. "But it’s over. We got them!"

"Is everyone all right?"

"They will be," Harry says.

I start grinning like a fool, too. "That was worth being hauled out of bed for, gentlemen. Thank you." I address Tom. "Have you called B’Elanna?"

"She’s next," Tom assures me.

"Good. Call your father, too. He’s been worried."
****

Jack stirs as I get back into bed. "Kat?"

"It’s all right," I say as I snuggle in and kiss his cheek. "It’s over. Everyone’s safe."

He doesn’t answer; he’s already asleep. I lay my head on his chest, and almost instantly, fall asleep, too.

 

-fin-

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